Well, hello there young lady. My name is Harvey. I was just wondering if you were, in fact, a library card, because **chuckle, snort** I'm signing you out. Checking! Er, checking you out, rather. I am checking you out.
Yes, I suppose you're right, it is the books that get checked out instead of the library card, per say. Yes, you too. Enjoy your evening.
Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if you were a parking ticket, because you have "fine" written all over you.
Yes, and to you as well. Drive safely.
Pardon me, but if you were looking for something cute and furry I believe I meet all of your Koalafications. Wait, where are you going?
Owl just wait here then.
Let minnow if you change your mind.
Ha, that was hawkward.
...what's another animal...think, Harvey, think...
Hello. Harvey Van Deferens, CPA. You know there are three types of accountants, those who can count and those who can't.
No, that's what makes it funny, you see...wait...YOU'RE TURNING MY ACCOUNTING SOFTWARE INTO ACCOUNTING HARDWARE!
Your loss.
Hello there, young lady. That is a lovely dress you have on this evening. I just wanted to let you know that I am all yours and ask what your other two wishes are.
Oh, you liked that one, huh. Sorry, I didn't mean to make you laugh while you were in the middle of your drinky drink. I think you got a little something on your neck there, let me get that for you. Funny, this lighting is so bad in here it almost makes it look like you have an Adam's apple. Why yes, I would love to dance with you. That is certainly a firm grip you have. I appreciate that in a woman.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Cat Tails!
Editor's note. I'm kind of picturing the narrator's voice sounding like a Brooklyn accent from every cop movie you've ever seen (I don't know...Joe Pesci, I guess. Don't get hung up on it, it's not that important) and the man in the story's voice having a proper English accent, but definitely not cockney. Just make that happen in your head as you read it. Trust me, it is at least a little funnier that way.
(Well then read it how ever you want. I don't care.) Also, I didn't put each character's name in front of their lines when it is their turn to speak.
(Because there are only two characters and one is a narrator, that's why not. Come on, man. You're making this way harder than it needs to be. You can do this.) We're starting.
Hey, hey... 'morning fellas. Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a friggin' NIGHTMARE this morning. Night friggin' mare. I'm tellin' ya there are too many people in this city now. We could do with about half. About half. Know what I mean? And, it's just gettin' worse. Everyday its gettin' worse. Ok, what am I narrating today? Let's see what we got here.
Huh? Na, I don't need to read through it, lets just take it from the top and I'll improvise as we go. Let's see, what's our title here?
"Cat-Day Afternoon" Hmm. That sounds awful. One man show, huh? Ok, ok, maybe it's like a take off on the old Pacino movie, what was that called? Huh? I dunno, I hate friggin' cats, right? Oh, you and me both, pal. You and me, both. Alright, let's see if this dog can hunt. Let's get started here.
Our story begins in an office.
Great. Real original. Maybe the writing gets better as we go along, right? We can only hope.
Thank you for coming in, Ms. Purrdy. Just have a seat here and we'll get started. Oh, thank you. My wife bought it for me.
Ugh...I don't know about you, but I hate this guy already, huh. Am I right? Ok, ok. Maybe it picks up.
Your application seems to be in order. I have your resume here. Ah. Now then, I see under references you listed a Kitty Purry, a Clawdia Schiffer, an Eartha Kitten, and finally a Catalie Cole.
Uh-oh. Red flag.
Ms. Purrdy, I don't know how to put this delicately, so I'm just going to come right out and ask. Are you, by any chance, a cat lover?
Nice work there, Captain Obvious. Did the cat hair covered pantsuit tip you off. Hey...hey, did you hear what I called him? I called him "Captain Obvious". I know right? And, how 'bout this chick. Too busy to run a lint-roller over those comfort slacks before the big job interview this morning, sweetheart?
Twenty-nine?!!
Twenty-nine! Yikes! Am I right fellas?
Twenty-nine cats...sharing the same house with you, under the same roof, eating I can only assume, the same food?
Ha! I'd say this interview is just about over, right? Time to tell this broad to kick rocks, buddy. Heh. Go sell crazy somewhere else, 'cuz we're full up here. Gnome sayin'.
Well, Ms. Purrdy, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I feel I must be completely honest with you.
That's it. Let her have it, pal. You gotta be firm with these crazy types. Don't sugarcoat it.
I think that is...well...I think that is just fantastic.
There you go, buddy. Wait, what?
Simply fantastic. I find the whole arrangement just adorable.
Cheese and crackers! Are you off your rocker, too? This dame is nutty as a friggin' ...I dunno, something with nuts! You got me off my game here, Chief.
Now, I know this may be a bit of a long shot, but these feline roommates of yours wouldn't, by any chance ALL have celebrity-pun nicknames would they?
Long shot?!! I'd call that an uncontested lay-up, pal. Drinks are on me if she ain't got a cutesy, Hollywood handle for every last one of those friggin' hair-balls. And, speakin' o' balls...
Fantastic! I look forward to hearing all about each one after the interview. And, don't you dare leave any of them out. Don't even try. I'll be taking notes. Ah, that's fantastic.
I don't think you know what "fantastic" means there, Ace.
Now, fingers crossed on this one, but any chance you brought pictures with you?
Any chance? Try every chance! I mean come on.
Don't you see what's goin' on here, man? This chick has "serial killer" written all over her, and I'm startin' to hope you are her next special little project.
Outstanding, Ms. Purrdy! Outstanding indeed. An entire photo album hidden right there in your comicly oversized purse? Well, that is just one of the most pleasant surprises to which I've ever been privy.
Harry S. Truman, who writes this crap?
What's that. Oh, yes, yes, of course you've got the job, and quite honestly, I don't know how we've gotten along all this time without you. By the way, when can you start?
Don't say "meow".
Don't say "meow".
Don't say "meow".
DAMMIT!!!
AAAAAAHHHHH, HAHAHAHA! Did you just say, "How about right meow"? You did, didn't you? You did, I knew it. At first I thought you said "How about right now?", but then I realized...
Oh, I'm going to have to keep my eye on you.
Don't say "purfect"...I'll punch you in the neck. Don't you dare say "purfect".
Well, I guess all I have to say in response, is that would be just...purrrrrrrrfect.
Son of a...
AAAAAAHHHHH, HAHAHAHAHA! I know...I know, I did it, too. Oh, we'd better...we'd better stop now. Or else you'll make me PUMA pants! Did you hear what I did there?! Did you hear what I did?
Oh, how will the two of us ever get ANY work done? I think this train of thought just jumped the tracks!
@#%*!
Editor's note. Sorry, I guess those voices didn't help much after all did they? Oh well. You just try your best, you know? Live and learn...see what works. What are ya gunna do? Yep.
Awright den.
(Well then read it how ever you want. I don't care.) Also, I didn't put each character's name in front of their lines when it is their turn to speak.
(Because there are only two characters and one is a narrator, that's why not. Come on, man. You're making this way harder than it needs to be. You can do this.) We're starting.
Hey, hey... 'morning fellas. Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a friggin' NIGHTMARE this morning. Night friggin' mare. I'm tellin' ya there are too many people in this city now. We could do with about half. About half. Know what I mean? And, it's just gettin' worse. Everyday its gettin' worse. Ok, what am I narrating today? Let's see what we got here.
Huh? Na, I don't need to read through it, lets just take it from the top and I'll improvise as we go. Let's see, what's our title here?
"Cat-Day Afternoon" Hmm. That sounds awful. One man show, huh? Ok, ok, maybe it's like a take off on the old Pacino movie, what was that called? Huh? I dunno, I hate friggin' cats, right? Oh, you and me both, pal. You and me, both. Alright, let's see if this dog can hunt. Let's get started here.
Our story begins in an office.
Great. Real original. Maybe the writing gets better as we go along, right? We can only hope.
Thank you for coming in, Ms. Purrdy. Just have a seat here and we'll get started. Oh, thank you. My wife bought it for me.
Ugh...I don't know about you, but I hate this guy already, huh. Am I right? Ok, ok. Maybe it picks up.
Your application seems to be in order. I have your resume here. Ah. Now then, I see under references you listed a Kitty Purry, a Clawdia Schiffer, an Eartha Kitten, and finally a Catalie Cole.
Uh-oh. Red flag.
Ms. Purrdy, I don't know how to put this delicately, so I'm just going to come right out and ask. Are you, by any chance, a cat lover?
Nice work there, Captain Obvious. Did the cat hair covered pantsuit tip you off. Hey...hey, did you hear what I called him? I called him "Captain Obvious". I know right? And, how 'bout this chick. Too busy to run a lint-roller over those comfort slacks before the big job interview this morning, sweetheart?
Twenty-nine?!!
Twenty-nine! Yikes! Am I right fellas?
Twenty-nine cats...sharing the same house with you, under the same roof, eating I can only assume, the same food?
Ha! I'd say this interview is just about over, right? Time to tell this broad to kick rocks, buddy. Heh. Go sell crazy somewhere else, 'cuz we're full up here. Gnome sayin'.
Well, Ms. Purrdy, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I feel I must be completely honest with you.
That's it. Let her have it, pal. You gotta be firm with these crazy types. Don't sugarcoat it.
I think that is...well...I think that is just fantastic.
There you go, buddy. Wait, what?
Simply fantastic. I find the whole arrangement just adorable.
Cheese and crackers! Are you off your rocker, too? This dame is nutty as a friggin' ...I dunno, something with nuts! You got me off my game here, Chief.
Now, I know this may be a bit of a long shot, but these feline roommates of yours wouldn't, by any chance ALL have celebrity-pun nicknames would they?
Long shot?!! I'd call that an uncontested lay-up, pal. Drinks are on me if she ain't got a cutesy, Hollywood handle for every last one of those friggin' hair-balls. And, speakin' o' balls...
Fantastic! I look forward to hearing all about each one after the interview. And, don't you dare leave any of them out. Don't even try. I'll be taking notes. Ah, that's fantastic.
I don't think you know what "fantastic" means there, Ace.
Now, fingers crossed on this one, but any chance you brought pictures with you?
Any chance? Try every chance! I mean come on.
Don't you see what's goin' on here, man? This chick has "serial killer" written all over her, and I'm startin' to hope you are her next special little project.
Outstanding, Ms. Purrdy! Outstanding indeed. An entire photo album hidden right there in your comicly oversized purse? Well, that is just one of the most pleasant surprises to which I've ever been privy.
Harry S. Truman, who writes this crap?
What's that. Oh, yes, yes, of course you've got the job, and quite honestly, I don't know how we've gotten along all this time without you. By the way, when can you start?
Don't say "meow".
Don't say "meow".
Don't say "meow".
DAMMIT!!!
AAAAAAHHHHH, HAHAHAHA! Did you just say, "How about right meow"? You did, didn't you? You did, I knew it. At first I thought you said "How about right now?", but then I realized...
Oh, I'm going to have to keep my eye on you.
Don't say "purfect"...I'll punch you in the neck. Don't you dare say "purfect".
Well, I guess all I have to say in response, is that would be just...purrrrrrrrfect.
Son of a...
AAAAAAHHHHH, HAHAHAHAHA! I know...I know, I did it, too. Oh, we'd better...we'd better stop now. Or else you'll make me PUMA pants! Did you hear what I did there?! Did you hear what I did?
Oh, how will the two of us ever get ANY work done? I think this train of thought just jumped the tracks!
@#%*!
Editor's note. Sorry, I guess those voices didn't help much after all did they? Oh well. You just try your best, you know? Live and learn...see what works. What are ya gunna do? Yep.
Awright den.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Wilkes-Barre Community College, October 2015
Professor Wilsmith Hasselhoff docks his hoverboard outside his office and sprints down the hall to his 2:15 lecture on Moderately Influential American Blogs of 2014.
Ok class, I apologize for my tardiness, I had to stop for space fuel on my way to campus and left my bitcoins at home. Today we will be looking at the third most influential blog of 2014, This Blog Needs More Snark. Turn in your quantum textbooks to space-page Alpha 619.
The leading "Snarks", as history would remember the contributors of the blog, were comprised of Will Roberson, whose most enduring contribution to the genre consisted of naming one of his characters, "Hoffmore"; Brian, who remains a darling of the literary world for his universally hailed bold choice of Helvetica font; MoneTerry, who left the group shortly after achieving financial independence through a series of successful 1-800-Dog-Poop brick and mortar franchise openings; Pappy Lester, currently on tour as a life coach/action star; and Stately Wayne, who became known for frequent misspellings and really seemed to lack focus in keeping the fourth wall up for the duration of many of his weaker posts.
Oh, I forgot it's cake day in the breakroom. Not sure whose birthday it is, but I'd better go check it out. Guess I'll just save this and come back to it later when I have time to expand on the story and give the characters more development. Whoops! I hit the "publish" button instead. Oh, well. I wish everyday was cake day. I hope there is still time to get a corner piece. Maybe it's chocolate.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Most Important Meal O' the Day
Satin-polished, fine Swiss timepieces.
German-engineered, luxury automobiles.
Bespoke-tailored, silk menswear.
4-head, video cassette recorders.
Are you accustomed to the finer things in life?
Monte Blanc.
Armani.
Swarovski.
Mentos.
Do you demand the cache that only the world's finest luxury brands can offer?
Now, for the discriminating consumer, the makers or Johnnie Walker Red, Black, Green, Gold, and Blue, proudly introduce new Johnnie Walker Brown, maple-flavored syrup.
New Johnnie Walker Brown syrup pairs perfectly with Eggo, Aunt Jemima, and even America's Choice brand frozen breakfast waffles. I wouldn't pair it with Kashi brand all-natural frozen waffles, though. Something about whole grain makes the syrup congeal and give off a putrescent aroma.
With a touch of maple flavoring and a hint of scotch (less alcohol per serving than an ounce of Nyquil, we're not trying to get anyone to lose their job over their choice of breakfast syrup) Johnnie Walker Brown "softens the edges" of your morning while gently easing you into your day.
In fact, we believe it won't be long before you and all your friends are slurrily saying, "Johnnie Walker Brown: It's not just for breakfast anymore". But, seriously you should probably limit Johnnie Walker Brown to one or two servings at breakfast. You're internship is important and the first time a co-worker smells scotch on your breath in the morning meeting, you are going to be filling out a mountain of paperwork in the HR department, my friend. Sure that lady was friendly and helpful when you needed help setting up your retirement plan the first day you started with the company, but if you think she is going to return any of your calls when you get fired and have to roll-over any contributions to another employer, you haven't been fired from very many jobs have you, Optimus? Drink responsibly and don't be naive to the office politics going on around you.
Johnnie Walker Brown: Breakfast is Back, Baby.
Coming soon, Johnnie Walker Mauve for your gluten-free life decisions.
German-engineered, luxury automobiles.
Bespoke-tailored, silk menswear.
4-head, video cassette recorders.
Are you accustomed to the finer things in life?
Monte Blanc.
Armani.
Swarovski.
Mentos.
Do you demand the cache that only the world's finest luxury brands can offer?
Now, for the discriminating consumer, the makers or Johnnie Walker Red, Black, Green, Gold, and Blue, proudly introduce new Johnnie Walker Brown, maple-flavored syrup.
New Johnnie Walker Brown syrup pairs perfectly with Eggo, Aunt Jemima, and even America's Choice brand frozen breakfast waffles. I wouldn't pair it with Kashi brand all-natural frozen waffles, though. Something about whole grain makes the syrup congeal and give off a putrescent aroma.
With a touch of maple flavoring and a hint of scotch (less alcohol per serving than an ounce of Nyquil, we're not trying to get anyone to lose their job over their choice of breakfast syrup) Johnnie Walker Brown "softens the edges" of your morning while gently easing you into your day.
In fact, we believe it won't be long before you and all your friends are slurrily saying, "Johnnie Walker Brown: It's not just for breakfast anymore". But, seriously you should probably limit Johnnie Walker Brown to one or two servings at breakfast. You're internship is important and the first time a co-worker smells scotch on your breath in the morning meeting, you are going to be filling out a mountain of paperwork in the HR department, my friend. Sure that lady was friendly and helpful when you needed help setting up your retirement plan the first day you started with the company, but if you think she is going to return any of your calls when you get fired and have to roll-over any contributions to another employer, you haven't been fired from very many jobs have you, Optimus? Drink responsibly and don't be naive to the office politics going on around you.
Johnnie Walker Brown: Breakfast is Back, Baby.
Coming soon, Johnnie Walker Mauve for your gluten-free life decisions.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Evening News
Tom--Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to News 9 Austin. My name is Tom Maidenform and this is tonight's top story.
An Austin man is said to be in good spirits and "on the mend" after breaking into the city zoo overnight and waking one of the North American Black Bears with an open-handed strike to the browline. For more on this story as it develops, we take you now to the newest member of our news team, Vince Nutslap.
Vince--Thank you, Tom. Happy to be a part of the team. That's actually a hard "u" in my last name.
Tom--Sorry, Vance.
Vince--Actually, it's "Vince", and I would think a man with the last name, "Maidenform" might be a little more sensitive toward someone else's handle.
Tom--Easy, Newbie. You might not understand what could be happening to you very soon if I leave my seat here in the studio.
Vince--I'm sorry, are you talking about taking a wild swing at me with your purse, Tom?
Tom--Heh, heh. You know it's been ages since I punched a man in the brains, Nutslap, but I hear you never forget how.
Vince--Oh, really? You try me, Tom. I'll make you famous, old man!
Tom--I WILL DEVOUR YOU LIKE A FREE CHRISTMAS HAM!
Vince(calmly)--Tom, I want you to settle down and listen very carefully to my words. Right now two friends of mine are breaking into your house as we speak, with the full intention of finding and leaving with all of your most sentimental childhood album photos and cherished sports memorabilia.
At this point Tom is wrestled to the ground and dragged off the set by his producer, Linda Algonquin Van Pinkett-Smith, and meteorologist, Justin Banderas-Estrada. The cameraman, Litoris Wolfgrappler, is instructed to keep rolling as it is, in fact, sweeps week.
Tom(from the bottom of a News Team 9 dogpile, starting to get a little riled up at this point)--I HOPE YOU STEP ON A LEGO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NUTSLAP! WHEN I FIND YOU, YOU WON'T BE FIT FOR A JOB ON ALL-ACCESS TELEVISION! LET GO OF ME! I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED!
An Austin man is said to be in good spirits and "on the mend" after breaking into the city zoo overnight and waking one of the North American Black Bears with an open-handed strike to the browline. For more on this story as it develops, we take you now to the newest member of our news team, Vince Nutslap.
Vince--Thank you, Tom. Happy to be a part of the team. That's actually a hard "u" in my last name.
Tom--Sorry, Vance.
Vince--Actually, it's "Vince", and I would think a man with the last name, "Maidenform" might be a little more sensitive toward someone else's handle.
Tom--Easy, Newbie. You might not understand what could be happening to you very soon if I leave my seat here in the studio.
Vince--I'm sorry, are you talking about taking a wild swing at me with your purse, Tom?
Tom--Heh, heh. You know it's been ages since I punched a man in the brains, Nutslap, but I hear you never forget how.
Vince--Oh, really? You try me, Tom. I'll make you famous, old man!
Tom--I WILL DEVOUR YOU LIKE A FREE CHRISTMAS HAM!
Vince(calmly)--Tom, I want you to settle down and listen very carefully to my words. Right now two friends of mine are breaking into your house as we speak, with the full intention of finding and leaving with all of your most sentimental childhood album photos and cherished sports memorabilia.
At this point Tom is wrestled to the ground and dragged off the set by his producer, Linda Algonquin Van Pinkett-Smith, and meteorologist, Justin Banderas-Estrada. The cameraman, Litoris Wolfgrappler, is instructed to keep rolling as it is, in fact, sweeps week.
Tom(from the bottom of a News Team 9 dogpile, starting to get a little riled up at this point)--I HOPE YOU STEP ON A LEGO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NUTSLAP! WHEN I FIND YOU, YOU WON'T BE FIT FOR A JOB ON ALL-ACCESS TELEVISION! LET GO OF ME! I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED!
Chivalry is Dead
Dispatcher: “Sherriff’s
Department. What’s the nature of your
emergency?”
Caller: “Yes, I’d
like to report a sexual assault.”
D: “Ok, slow down
mam. First are you safe now?
C: “I think so, he just walked away.”
D: “Ok, can you give me a description?”
C: “Male, Caucasian, brown hair, blue eyes, about 5 foot 10.
Alarmingly skinny. Wearing a suit and tie.”
D: “OK mam, I’ve just sent out an APB on the suspect. Can you please tell me what happened?”
C: “Oh my God, it was so scary. I was leaving the office where I work and he
and I got to the door at the same time.
He…he…oh God.
D: “Just calm down mam, I need to know what happened.”
C: He..he…he smiled at me and held the door! Oh god!
D: “And he touched you inappropriately then?”
C: “What? No, that
was it. He held the door for me and
smiled! Can you believe it? It was horrible! He just looked so rapey!
D: “Rapey mam?”
C: “Obviously only a sicko would do something like that,
right?” My friend said he’s the same
perv that offered his umbrella to her in the parking lot when it was pouring
down rain!”
D: “Uh…yeah. Sounds
pretty rapey.”
27th Annual Stapler and Three-Hole Punch Expo
Greetings from the 27th Annual Stapler and Three-Hole Punch Expo. I'm Hoffmore Badgerhole and let me tell you, I am excited to be here. There is an electricity in the air that's difficult to describe if you've never been to a SaTHP Expo. Electric! This year’s expo is being held at the newly-renovated (now with chairs!) conference room of the downtown Best Western in practically temperate Calfstump, NV. The staff here at the Best Western are top-notch and for the first time in three years there’s barely any residual odor from the nearby hog-rendering plant.
We’re also excited to welcome our newest sponsor, Tap Out! Try the new Tap-Out! Line of staplers- the stapler you smash with your thick skull, you troglodyte! And of course Swingline’s new Ed Hardy edition of staplers- you could beat your girlfriend with them if you had a girlfriend, you disgusting ape!
But you’re probably saying to yourself, “Now listen here, Badgerhole, I came here for the latest in stapler and three-hole punch innovation and technology, so give it to me!” Don’t you worry friend, there’s big news on the stapler front. Everyone knows that Swingline is the King of staplers, but recent upstart Skaaplor, Sweden’s stapling darlings, are giving them a run for their money with their new staplers. These beauties hold up to seven more staples in the magazine and now come with an ergonomic grip!
But Bostich says, “Hey don’t forget about Bostich or I swear to God we will make you pay the price” with their latest stapler- model 3447! Now in Kelly green!
But you’re probably asking, “Hey Hoffmore, tell me about three-hole punches or I will burn you to the GROUND!” Ha! Get ready for this then: The customers have spoken and the industry has answered. “We don’t really care about three-hole punches, they seem fine I guess” they demanded. So the brilliant labcoats in three-hole punch R&D came up with a bold strategy and made sure everything stayed exactly the same. That’s right- no changes at all. Exciting!
Well that's all for this year's expo folks. Until next time, the Hoff-hole is signing off.
We’re also excited to welcome our newest sponsor, Tap Out! Try the new Tap-Out! Line of staplers- the stapler you smash with your thick skull, you troglodyte! And of course Swingline’s new Ed Hardy edition of staplers- you could beat your girlfriend with them if you had a girlfriend, you disgusting ape!
But you’re probably saying to yourself, “Now listen here, Badgerhole, I came here for the latest in stapler and three-hole punch innovation and technology, so give it to me!” Don’t you worry friend, there’s big news on the stapler front. Everyone knows that Swingline is the King of staplers, but recent upstart Skaaplor, Sweden’s stapling darlings, are giving them a run for their money with their new staplers. These beauties hold up to seven more staples in the magazine and now come with an ergonomic grip!
But Bostich says, “Hey don’t forget about Bostich or I swear to God we will make you pay the price” with their latest stapler- model 3447! Now in Kelly green!
But you’re probably asking, “Hey Hoffmore, tell me about three-hole punches or I will burn you to the GROUND!” Ha! Get ready for this then: The customers have spoken and the industry has answered. “We don’t really care about three-hole punches, they seem fine I guess” they demanded. So the brilliant labcoats in three-hole punch R&D came up with a bold strategy and made sure everything stayed exactly the same. That’s right- no changes at all. Exciting!
Well that's all for this year's expo folks. Until next time, the Hoff-hole is signing off.
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