My 10 Year Wedding Anniversary

Why yes, I am all ready for Christmas.  Thanks for asking.


My 10 year anniversary is quickly approaching.  I don't remember the exact date, but it is sometime later this month, I'm fairly certain.  What I do remember is every detail of the night I met my wife, and they follow as such:

It was a Thursday evening in September and I was out roaming for shorties.  Naturally, my first stop was a friend's house for a weekly Bible study/hook up mixer.  In the words of Maverick, or maybe it was Goose, those things are what I call "a target-rich environment".

I walked in and all eyes were on me as I strolled over to hors d'oeuvres (thank you spell check), and began to survey the scene.  It was a big night in my buddy's living room.  I must have been approached by two, maybe three cuties.  You start to lose count after a while.  But, the one I couldn't get out of my mind, I think she was girl number two maybe, happened to be the one that would become the future, Mrs. Scott Hoffmore-Mellencamp Roberson.  I was immediately arrested by her beautiful eyes, her winning smile, and her wonderful pair of...mismatched socks.  That's right, her socks didn't match.  I didn't know if she was just quirky, color-blind, or a serial killer, but I had to find out.  What would cause someone to leave the house with socks that don't match when everyone knows laundry day is not until Sunday.  No matter, she was my Cinderella, and I her Prince.  The charming one, not the Purple Rain one.  This is the part of the story where I try to make an analogy about returning her missing sock like a glass slipper, but the comparison falls apart fairly quickly.

Anyway, a lot has happened since that night and we have been through many highs and lows together, but two things that are still the same are the way I look and my love for my wife.

Happy 10th anniversary, Mrs. Roberson.  I wouldn't change a thing.

Famous Last Words

"If you miss, make sure you miss high."

"Well, then you hold the flashlight and I'll go in."

"Did that guy just flip me off?"

"Malik should have been back by now.  I'll go outside and take a look."

"Yeah, I need two Meximelts, one Chipotle Ranch Chicken Nacho Griller, and two Crunchwrap Supremes...oh and a large Vanilla Dr. Pepper Freeze.  Can I get chipotle in that?"

"We're gunna be on Tosh.O"

"They don't bite.  Here, I'll show you."

"Yeah, maybe you're right.  I'll get that checked out tomorrow."

"Beer after liquor, never sicker.  Liquor after beer, never fear...wait, that's not right."

"You got a problem, Chief?"

"Remember to jump out, not up.  Like this."

"I'll have a Red Bull mixed with ____."

"Is it recording yet?"

"Why don't you just come on over here and make me, Big Man?"

"Just grab it by the tail and pull straight up.  That way it can't reach you."

"Hold my beer..."

"Let's get Doritos Locos up in here!"

"These razzleberries taste kind of sour."

"Start off at about 20 and if I hold up one finger, speed up, but if I hold up two..."

Alternate Versions of the Hit Cartoon "Muppet Babies" That Didn't Get Picked Up by a Major Network

• Al Qaeda Babies
• Holocaust-Denier Babies
• The Cast and Crew from Alien Vs Predator Babies
• Your Recurring Night Terrors Concerning Mortality Babies
• Rigid Fundamentalism Babies
• The Wolf of Wall Street Babies
• The Guy That Refills the Toner in Your Office Copier Babies
• The Iran-Contra Affair Babies

Vacation Adventure

We are never going back there again.

I just think that maybe, you’re overreacting.

That’s easy for you to say. I don’t recall you almost being lowered into a vat of acid.

Oh please. It’s not like it was boiling acid.

Acid doesn’t have to be hot you idiot, it’s acid. It can peel your skin off at room temperature.

I don’t think name calling is really appropriate.

Name calling isn’t appropriate but almost getting lowered into acid is just fine?

Listen you didn’t get lowered into acid after all did you? So the bottom line is that today, just like every day, you didn’t get lowered into acid. That’s really not so hard to deal with. In fact, I get not lowered into acid all the time. I’m being not lowered into acid this very minute actually, as are you. There’s really nothing to complain about.

I think you’re severely underestimating the impact of the threat of being lowered into acid.

Fine, whatever. I just wish you could at least pretend you enjoyed our safari vacation with an impromptu visit to an aboriginal headhunter village.

I want a divorce.

Austin Chronicle, pg 26: Missed Connections

me: male caucasian, mid forties, at Chuck E. Cheese on East Riverside Saturday evening 5:00-close, standing next to the ball pit (whackin' those moles), white sleeveless "I'm a Pepper" t-shirt under a powder-blue J.C. Penny private label button-down oxford with collar popped (also sleeveless), burgundy Haggar cotton twill comfort slacks with relaxi-fit waistband, aviator sunglasses with matching Fossil belt and wallet set, cologne: Axe Dark Temptation, body spray: Axe Harmony mixed with mail-order pheromone, hair: touch of grey and parted on the left (your right), one ear bud with i-shuffle set to loop The Crash Test Dummies' grammy award winning God Shuffled His Feet and seminal effort The Ghosts that Haunt Me

you: female or male of slight build, wearing "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt over faded blue Rocky Mountain jeans, blond or brunette (possibly a redhead), sitting near the Jasper T. Jowls side of the keyboard stage left

We locked eyes for what I felt was a longer than average time in between Mr. Munch's drum break and Pasquale's solo.  Connection?  If you agree or just want to see where this ride might take us, I'll be at the Bass Concert Hall every night this week during Broadway Across America's almost tony nomination  considered production of Ditch McGarnicle's bluesy one man show: A Summer Evening with Ditch.  Check the balcony first, but sometimes I move down to orchestra level if any seats are open after intermission.

Track me down!

Somewhere in Hollywood

Julian, the big-shot Hollywood producer, sits in his office talking to his top screenwriter, Carl. Julian is wearing white linen pants with expensive sandals, a blue dress shirt and a white sport coat. His hair is slicked back, you can tell he uses an expensive pomade that smells like sandalwood, and although he is inside he continues to wear sunglasses. 

Carl is much more blue-collar but Hollywood-blue collar so I guess picture an upper-middle-class on the weekend type outfit.

Carl: Listen Julian, I know you said that you didn’t want to see anymore drafts of buddy-cop movies and, to be frank, I don’t know how to write any other kind of movie so I tweaked the latest one I’ve been working on. Here’s a quick run-down of the key scenes. What do you think?

Julian: Well let’s take a look. Let me put down my large cigar that I was casually smoking indoors, in today’s day and age no less.

Scene opens in a small office in the corner of the bullpen. Chief, at his desk, talks to the new recruit, Evans:

Alright Evans, have a seat. Your sweep scores were great and you passed every chemical cleaner test with flying colors. But you’ve got a real attitude. I’m reluctant to do this but I think you’re ready. You’re going out in the field today so congratulations. Don’t prove me wrong.

Your partner is gonna be Ditch McGarnicle. He’s got 30 years on the force and you could learn a thing or two from him. Now grab your standard issue mop, bucket, off-brand glass cleaner and get out there.

Evans meets his new partner, Ditch, who wastes no time in showing him the ropes:

Listen to me you little punk. You may think you’re hot crap but I’ll show you hot crap. Stall three- get to work.

Several weeks in, Ditch continues to ride the young cadet:

Hurry-up kid, we got a hot mess on the fourth floor. Some sorry copy-jockey horked all over his desk, his co-worker’s desk and his supervisor. You got enough sawdust to take care of that disaster? What does your fancy Custodial Engineer Handbook say to do now rookie?

As the story unfolds, their relationship begins to deepen:

You know why I’m hard on you, do you? It’s because I know you can be the best. And because I love you dammit. You’re my son and I love you. Aw, you look just like your mother. She had eyes that looked like old mop water after cleaning a dive bar bathroom. Her hair smelled like the best urinal cake you can imagine. She was beautiful kid and I miss her every time I look at you. Come here son and hug your old man.

Finally, in the climatic bathroom show-down Ditch is gravely wounded:

Go on without me kid. I’m not gonna make it. Just promise me one thing- clean up the mess I’m about to leave right here at the foot of this old urinal…clean it good kid.

Julian: Carl, you magnificent bastard. You just made us millionaires! Again! Well me at least, you’ll probably continue to be upper-middle class or so.

Album Release Announcement

Bro Country Records is excited to announce the release of the debut album from our newest artist, Rodney Greg!

The record includes the title track, 'It's Beer-30 Where I'm From' and nine other new songs.

The full track listing is as follows:

1. Old Party Truck
2. It's Beer-30 Where I'm From
3. Drinkin' Boots
4. The Tailgate Works Just Fine
5. I Know A Country Girl When I See One
6. Budweiser and Church (with Connor Steve from Jade Diamond)
7. Hotter On the River
8. Them Girls
9. Gotta Be the Party (featuring Nelly)
10. I'll Probably Regret This Later

Tour dates across the Carolinas and Georgia will be announced later this month.

Mr. Greg is buying everyone back at Joe's bar a beer and a whiskey in celebration.