I Don't Care What People Think About Me

I don’t care what people think about me. I wear the clothes that I like. I fix my hair in a way that makes me feel empowered. I express myself with my morning coffee order. I don’t care what people think about me.

I’m my own person and I’m secure with who I am. I don’t need other people to validate me. I drive the car I drive because I have to be me. These shoes I wear are for me and me alone. I grow this facial hair to tell myself “that’s your beard so you’re great”.  I don’t care what people think about me.

If someone asks me a question I tell them exactly how it is. How that makes them feel doesn't matter to me. If someone comes up to me and says “Hey you can’t park there, it’s a handicap spot.”, I don’t care what they think about me, I park where my self says I should park. If I’m at a bar and I spill my drink on someone then that’s just the way it is and I won’t apologize to anyone for being true to myself. If I get really drunk and scream at homeless people because it makes me feel good then no one can judge me. I don’t care what people think about me.

If I like to savage myself while looking at the underwear models in the Sears catalog while I’m in the middle of the Sears store then the world will just have to deal with it. I don’t care what people think about me.

If I befriend a cashier at my local grocery store, foster a relationship built on trust and perceived similar interests, and then lure that person to my basement where I've set-up a Rube-Goldberg-style execution chamber and subsequently murder that person using the hilariously complicated execution machine then that’s just me being me and you have no right to stifle my spirit. If some cop knocks on my door and says, “You’re under arrest for disturbing the peace, public indecency, kidnapping, and murder.” then I say “Hey, at least I’m not under arrest for being phony.” I don’t care what people think about me.

Morning Weigh-In

Every morning I weigh myself but first I always blow my nose. Usually 14 times. I void my bowels of course- four times or so. I take off all my clothes. I dig out the earwax from my ears with a Q-tip but really that just pushes the build-up further down my ear canal so I also rinse them out with hydrogen peroxide…twice each side. I shave my face and neck, then my chest, my back, arms and legs, also the back of my hands and feet and even the tiny patches of hair between my knuckles and on my toes. I slough off any dead skin cells. I take out my contacts and pluck all but the most essential eyebrow hairs. I cut my fingernails. I trim off any skin tags. I say aloud any negative thought and forgive anyone who has ever wronged me, lest that weigh me down even emotionally. I simultaneously release all my bodily fluids in a beautiful deluge while standing in the tub. I occasionally retch but only to rid my body of excess stomach acid and bile. I gnaw off any chapped skin from my lips. I painstakingly remove every blackhead. I buff my callouses, bunions and corns. I thoroughly excavate any lint in my belly button. I strip all the essential oils from my skin and save it in an adorably tiny mason jar so I can re-introduce it to my dermis after weigh-in. I aggressively exhale and fill my lungs with helium. I vigorously rub an ionic wand (my own invention) over my entire body to capture any stray atomic particles. Then I weigh myself. I could still stand to lose five pounds.

Lemonade

Tom: What the? Did you just spit in my lemonade?

John: What? No, of course not.

Tom: No, you did. I watched you do…HEY you’re doing it again right now.

John: No, I don’t think that’s true.

Tom: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I JUST WATCHED YOU DO IT AS I WAS SAYING “I JUST WATCH…DAMMIT STOP SPITTING IN MY LEMONADE!

John: Okay okay, I did just spit in it this time but that was really more your fault than mine- shouting at me to spit in your lemonade like that. How could I not?

Tom: I SAID STOP SPITTING IN IT. STOP IT!

John: Are you sure I was the one who spit in it? I mean there are lots of people about. It could have been almost anyone.

Tom: I’m sure it was you. I hate you so, so much.

John: I think you spit in it.

Duplicate Payments Audit

Duplicate Payments Audit- January 2014
Date: January 24, 2014

Performed by: Operations Auditors Susan Ewing and Tom Miller and Staff Accountant Kevin Greison.

Findings: The Audit staff and Accounting department reviewed 14 potential duplicate payment reports for the month of January. Of those, three exceptions were determined.

Exceptions:

1. For the Calvin Parks account, a duplicate payment for attorney fees in the amount of $1,418 was paid on 12/28/13.

Management’s Response: Team member was found in the break room and dragged behind building to be pistol-whipped for several days. After initial disciplining, Team Member was given a light vegetable broth and wounds were treated. Team Member’s fingers were then repeatedly slammed in car door while being told after each slamming, “Ok, last one”.  Finished the week with more beatings (dealer’s choice), locked Team Member in nearest storage closet/hot-box over the weekend. On Monday clothing and shoes were returned to Team Member after which Management reviewed the policies and procedures of the department and stressed importance of never making mistakes ever. Team Member agreed to use vacation time to make up for lost productivity during the audit review.

2. For Stewart Metals, a duplicate payment in the amount of $47.34 was made to the Henderson County Tax Assessor on 12/29/13.

Management’s Response: Manager confronted Team Member about duplicate payment. Team Member denied having made the error. Team Member was taken to a nearby warehouse and tied to a metal chair. Administered dosage of sodium penathol to encourage rapport. Questioned Team Member again about duplicate payment while initiating trust-building/water-boarding sessions.  Team Member quickly admitted fault in making duplicate entry. Continued water-boarding to encourage Team Member to be more careful in the future (and used the opportunity to train new intern on proper water-boarding technique). Released Team Member back into the drone cubicles.

 3. For the Millsap account, a duplicate expenses payment in the amount of $925.60 was made to Fields Mill, LLC on 1/21/14. Payment was authorized by department manager.

Management’s Response:  This looked to be an honest mistake.

Help Wanted

Ok Mr. Denowith, sorry Denowitz, Demowik, I can’t really read this. Nevermind, let’s just get going.

First off, thanks for coming on such short notice. As my assistant explained on the phone we are currently short-staffed and need to hire several more employees by the end of the week.

Let me start by asking you why you want to work here. Ha, right money is always a fair answer. Anything else that attracted to our company? Oh, yes we do have a big campus with a partially wooded area in the back. No I don’t suppose the security guards patrol the whole 10 acres. I’ll be honest, that seems sort of strange- but to each his own right?

Anyway, what are your strengths? Oh, skinning coons? Ok fine, but that’s not what we do here. Are you familiar with Mircosoft Office? Comfortable with spreadsheets? Oh sorry, we’re actually a tobacco-free campus. Oh, uh no, I guess I’m not going to come over there and do anything about it, I’m just saying. Yeah, ok just go ahead and spit on the floor then.

Moving on- weaknesses? Not a threat- no I’m just asking if there’s anything you can work on. Coons? No like I said we don’t do that.

Listen why don’t you tell me about a time when you had a disagreement with a co-worker? Right, when you worked as an amateur ghost hunter… ok…I see…no, let me stop you right there- I understand you had a disagreement with it but the ghost really doesn’t count as a co-worker. Oh it used to be your co-worker. Well I guess that technically counts.

What about a time you disagreed with your supervisor? No, listen I really don’t think all the swearing is necessary. I understand that you are upset at your ex-wife for trying to run you over and you want to “get that Stevenson kid who what done stole your refrigerator” but that doesn’t really answer my question. Also, to be fair, it sounds like that refrigerator had been in your yard for quite some time and you’re probably better off without it. And neither of those people would be your supervisor. Yeah ok, that sort of fits- the guy that runs the aluminum recycling station by the dump would be close enough to a supervisor and he told you to stay out of the rummage pile and you “disagreed” with that. And you “cut him real good”. Perfect. No I mean “perfect, you answered the question” not “that’s a perfect response to a disagreement”. No I’m not disagreeing with you now, please put the exacto-knife away.

Ok last thing, your references. You listed “Ghost” as one. Two things-  A) we can’t communicate with ghosts, and B) do you really think that particular ghost would have many positive things to say on your behalf? I suppose it doesn’t really matter anyway- when do you think you could start?