Help Wanted

Ok Mr. Denowith, sorry Denowitz, Demowik, I can’t really read this. Nevermind, let’s just get going.

First off, thanks for coming on such short notice. As my assistant explained on the phone we are currently short-staffed and need to hire several more employees by the end of the week.

Let me start by asking you why you want to work here. Ha, right money is always a fair answer. Anything else that attracted to our company? Oh, yes we do have a big campus with a partially wooded area in the back. No I don’t suppose the security guards patrol the whole 10 acres. I’ll be honest, that seems sort of strange- but to each his own right?

Anyway, what are your strengths? Oh, skinning coons? Ok fine, but that’s not what we do here. Are you familiar with Mircosoft Office? Comfortable with spreadsheets? Oh sorry, we’re actually a tobacco-free campus. Oh, uh no, I guess I’m not going to come over there and do anything about it, I’m just saying. Yeah, ok just go ahead and spit on the floor then.

Moving on- weaknesses? Not a threat- no I’m just asking if there’s anything you can work on. Coons? No like I said we don’t do that.

Listen why don’t you tell me about a time when you had a disagreement with a co-worker? Right, when you worked as an amateur ghost hunter… ok…I see…no, let me stop you right there- I understand you had a disagreement with it but the ghost really doesn’t count as a co-worker. Oh it used to be your co-worker. Well I guess that technically counts.

What about a time you disagreed with your supervisor? No, listen I really don’t think all the swearing is necessary. I understand that you are upset at your ex-wife for trying to run you over and you want to “get that Stevenson kid who what done stole your refrigerator” but that doesn’t really answer my question. Also, to be fair, it sounds like that refrigerator had been in your yard for quite some time and you’re probably better off without it. And neither of those people would be your supervisor. Yeah ok, that sort of fits- the guy that runs the aluminum recycling station by the dump would be close enough to a supervisor and he told you to stay out of the rummage pile and you “disagreed” with that. And you “cut him real good”. Perfect. No I mean “perfect, you answered the question” not “that’s a perfect response to a disagreement”. No I’m not disagreeing with you now, please put the exacto-knife away.

Ok last thing, your references. You listed “Ghost” as one. Two things-  A) we can’t communicate with ghosts, and B) do you really think that particular ghost would have many positive things to say on your behalf? I suppose it doesn’t really matter anyway- when do you think you could start?