Frank's Self Checkout System

Hello and welcome to the Kroger Self Checkout system, my name is Frank. Frank is sitting on the stool with his forehead resting on the Self Checkout Attendant's terminal just ahead of you.

The following are the rules you, the customer, are to abide by during Frank's shift. Remember, Frank is always fair, but deviate slightly from any of his rules and he will lead you to your swift humiliation, so read carefully.

1. Your exact bagging sequence must be determined before approaching the Self Checkout terminal. You are not to consider rearranging items once they are inside a bag. Accidentally put the bread in with the milk? Smashed sandwiches. Tell your kids to grow up.

2. All fruit and vegetable codes must be memorized before approaching the terminal. You will not attempt to match the green apple in your hand to one of the 17 apple types shown on the screen.

3. If you fail to scan the item within 10 seconds, put the item aside. You will not be buying it today.

4. If you haven't checked by now, you are probably going home with cracked eggs. There is nothing that can be done at this point. Sorry about your bad luck.

5. No pushing, biting or talking at all.

6. No coupons.

7. Do not approach if it is your birthday. People always think they are owed something on their birthday and Frank does not owe anybody anything.

8. You must not be pregnant. Pregnant people do not know how to operate touch-screen computers and neither does Frank.

9. In addition, do not attempt to scan any item related to pregnancy, planning or prevention, or anything that has anything to do with the cycles between pregnancies. I will not say the words, but you know what I mean.

10. You're still holding an item forbidden in #9, please put it back.

11. If you scan anything packaged in red, white or blue, you must sing the song "My Country 'Tis of Thee" in its entirety. This one makes people uncomfortable, but remember, Frank is always fair.

12. If you brought a baby with you, add 10% to your total bill. Babies have no business in Frank's Self Checkout line.

13. You must never touch the "Request Assistance" button on the screen in front of you. If for any reason the machine says that an attendant has been notified to assist you, just walk away. Frank is not coming.

14. Upon completing your transaction, you must ring the bell for excellent service and shout out so that management can hear you say "Thanks again for everything Frank!"

Best of luck.