Modern Men’s Room Etiquette in Corporate America – Class 1

Good evening everyone.  My name is Keith and I’ll be your instructor for this portion of the class.  As many of you know, how you conduct yourself in the men’s room is vitally important in the modern age, and can even make or break your career.  Also, some of the things you learn here tonight might keep you from getting punched in the face.

We are going to run through the classroom portion of the curriculum first and then will be breaking into groups to run through some hypothetical examples.  The class will wrap up with a practical scenario in the men’s room down the hall.  That’s right gents – the best way to learn is to practice in the real world. 

OK, let’s get started.  I’ve been teaching this class for a while now, and I’ve found it’s just best if I run through a list of what not to do.

1.      Don’t talk unless absolutely necessary.  Do not start conversations.  Especially do not talk at the urinals.  You can say hello as you pass in the entryway or have a brief conversation at the sinks, but otherwise conversation should be kept to a minimum unless someone is bleeding, there are going to be layoffs, or if that cute girl in HR is wearing that skirt today.  You know the one.

This is not the time to talk about your family, make plans, or talk about the weather.  Strictly business.  If you want to shoot the breeze, do it by the water cooler.  A brief nod of acknowledgement is all you need.

2.       Never touch another man in the restroom.  If you do for some reason, prepare to defend yourself.  Knife play is likely.

3.       If you are faced with a bevy of choices of open urinals never choose one right next to another man.  Leave at least one open space between you.  Preferably walk as far away from the other people as possible and choose the farthest open urinal available.  Rather than use a urinal directly next to someone, you might consider using a stall or just not using the restroom at all.  If you violate this rule expect to be quickly ostracized by your co-workers.

 

4.       Always wash your hands.  Simple. Sometimes overlooked.

 

5.       Do not spit in the urinal out of habit.  This is foul and a sign that you are low born and crass.

6.       Never form that weird line of guys waiting to use the restroom.  Go somewhere else or not at all.  Optimize your hydration schedule to avoid this.  Whatever you do, don’t form a line near me.  It is perfectly appropriate to deliver a donkey kick to anyone queued up behind you.

 

7.       If you encounter a closed stall door and are unsure of the stall’s occupancy status, feel free to give the door a gentle test.  Do not rattle the door repeatedly like King Kong trying to escape his cage.  The first time you feel the resistance of the lock should be enough.  Do you really need to shake the door seven more times to assure yourself that it is, in fact, locked?

 

8.       Do not talk on the phone in the men’s room.  At all.  Your stall is not a corner office for you to conduct business within.  The only exception I can think of is if your wife is expecting and it’s time to run catch a baby.

9.       I’ve got no problem if you want to quickly brush your teeth.  However, this is not your bi-annual dental checkup.  I don’t want to see or hear it.

 

10.   Never.  Ever.  Make eye contact at the urinals.  No, it’s never ok.  Ever.  You pretty much just became a sex offender if you do it.

Alright that’s it.  Break into your groups and we will start running through some hypothetical scenarios.

Fin.