Pappy Lester - Life Coach

The following are answers to questions submitted by members of the millennial generation to Pappy Lester, a 96 year old WWII veteran forced out of retirement by the economic downturn.  Pappy was a machinist until he hit retirement, but because America no longer makes anything, he has chosen to work as a life coach upon his return to the workforce.  

Listen up corncobs.

I don't care what your mammies told you about how you're special, or an individual, or can be anything you want to be.  That's crap.  You're all stupid, whiny, and lacking in fiber.  I didn't travel halfway around the world to kill Nazis so you could sit around talking about your purpose in life like a bunch of long-hairs.  On to the questions...

- Is it OK for guys to wear tank tops? - I don't understand the question.  

- Which fruit is best in chicken salad, apples or grapes? - Neither.  Not everything has to be fancy.  Chicken.  Egg. Celery.  Mayonnaise.  Maybe some salt and pepper if your feeling French.  Fruit does not belong in chicken salad.  You know who liked fruit in his chicken salad?  Hitler.

- Is it still cool to say YOLO? - Back in my day we called them YOYOs.  Why are you putting a toy name on your tank tops? 

[Pappy is informed that it actually stands for "You Only Live Once" You know, like when you and your friends are out getting cray cray in the club and you take a selfie and hashtag it #YOLO]. 

 Jesus H. Christ on a Glittery Crutch.  You mean to tell me you corncobs run around acting degenerate and then the behavior is excused when you say YOLO?  In that case, sorry Hitler #YOLO.  Did I do that right?          

- Which Craft Beer is best? - If its not Budweiser or Pabst its basically chardonnay.  I was under the impression beer was for repressing emotions and getting drunk.  Not for sitting around getting loose and conversational about fruity top notes and malted barley flavors.  

- Which energy drink is best, Rockstar or Monster? - Energy Drink?  Do you mean coffee?  Or whiskey? Oh you mean that garbage water you corncobs drink out of tallboys?  You know people who drink energy drinks are the same kind of "people" who say they are "winning at life".  They're also wrong.  

- 9mm or .45?  Oh thank you Jesus!  Finally a serious question.  Pappy carries a .45 Colt, cocked and locked.  One shot stop.  I would only use 9mm for shooting feral cats or Frenchmen.  Protect your property.  

-My friend Kendall says selfies are slutty.  Is that true? Is a selfie that thing my granddaughter does in the mirror with her cellular phone where she makes faces like a palsied duck?  

That's all for today corncobs.  Its time for my nap.  Submit more questions and maybe Pappy can get this generation back on track.  Better yet, take me home now Jesus!