Dear Sir/Madam, (I'd wager madams rarely frequent the room where this missive finds you.)
Although in the past you have always kindly apologized to me in your rejection responses to my hopeful submissions to your website, today I would like to formally apologize to you. And, I would also like to take this opportunity to announce that you will no longer be bothered by said submissions. You see, I am sincerely sorry for subjecting you to the drudgery that was involved with reading my clumsily constructed narratives and ham-fisted attempts at comedy.
I'm serious, don't laugh. At least not now at any rate. It has come to my attention after numerous rejections that the time has come to give up on my dream. And I'm not talking about the one where I'm falling out of bed, but never quite hit the floor. I mean the one where you reply to one of my stories with at least some type of positive feedback. Because it may have taken a long time to sink in, but now I can honestly say that I get it. I finally understand what the universe has been trying to tell me for years, and just like the seatbelt that I couldn't figure out...until it clicked, I am NOT funny. But, do you know what?
That's ok.
It really is. Because I'm good at other things...things you probably don't even know anything about, and these next sentences will detail some of those exact things that I was just writing about earlier in this sentence.
--When was the last time you ran a trot line?
--Do you always signal before changing lanes? I usually do.
--Just the other day, I paid for a coworkers lunch because I'm pretty sure I make more money than her, even though we started at roughly the same time. And, she isn't even one of the pretty ones.
--Also, American Express refers to me as a valued customer. You make people feel far from valued. While we are on the subject of credit cards, how is your credit? The fine folks at FICO tell me mine is just grand, to the tune of 813 to be exact. Why I doubt you know the difference between a FICO score and a...
Damn.
Maybe writing isn't my thing. I guess this letter proves I'm not funny, and I am sorry about the extra work I put you through. One time I thought about burying a gay sex scene in the middle of one of my submissions to your site, just to make sure you were really reading the entire thing before rejecting it. You know, like Johnny Damon and Ben Aflac did with the Goodwill Hunting screenplays that they mailed to studio executives. But, I don't even know if I could write a convincing sex scene, gay or regular. And, I don't want to offend anyone. That type of writing should be tasteful. And also hot.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say thanks for reading my stuff and shooting me straight. I can tell you gave me a fair shake, because your critiques were so specific. You never would have said that making fun of rednecks is too passe and that calling hippies names is just mean if you hadn't performed the due diligence. However, as to "J.R.R. Tollkitten", "Hunter S. Thomcat", and "Fleador Suess Geisel" not being pawsetively the funniest celebrity cat names in the history of the genre, well...agree to disagree.
Parting shot. So, while we may not see eye to eye on what's funny or spelled correctly, I take solace in the fact that it was one heck of a ride, partner. And hey, now that I'm giving up on this crazy dream of mine and stepping away from my proverbial keyboard, I guess I'll have more time to devote to the ones that matter most to me.
You hear that, LaVar Purrton and Sheddie Vedder? Daddy's coming home.
So...thanks, I guess. And, adios.
Stately-Wayne