Things I Require When Staying at Your House

First of all, thanks for letting me stay here tonight. I have a couple more legs to go on this roadtrip and, as you know, I’m far too cheap to stay at a hotel. For your convenience I’ve prepared a list explaining the things that I will need when I stay at your house.

1. The master bedroom. Please remove all personal photos but leave the picture frames. I’ll replace your pictures with pictures of me and/or me and my cat.
2. Also, my cat will be joining me. His name is William the Claw-queroar but also goes by his official title, The Great High Puddin’tate of Catmandu.
3. A key for ingress and egress.
4. Also, my cat will need a separate key as he keeps his own hours.
5. Fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. As you know I can’t drink grapefruit juice because it interferes with my medication but I sleep better knowing that it’s there.
6. The temperature must be set to 68 degrees in the summer and 71 in the winter. During the spring and fall months anywhere from 69 to 70 degrees is acceptable.
7. A white-noise machine. If you do not have a white-noise machine then please stand near me as I sleep and make a steady whooshing sound with your mouth. Of course you don’t have to do it all night, just until I hit REM sleep. Be sure to begin whooshing again as I transition to light sleep and then back into another REM cycle.
8. Breakfast in the morning. I am allergic to dairy, wheat, wheatgrass, lemongrass, most kinds of metal, and as I already mentioned I can’t drink grapefruit juice. Please prepare accordingly.