Consumer Fraud Alert

Good afternoon, Mr. Shitlips...Litsh...Good afternoon, Mr. Lipshitz.  My name is Tom Nelson with First National Bank of Omaha's Consumer Fraud Division.  We are the issuing bank of your Visa credit...
No, I said consumer fraud...

fraud...

fraud...d...d...d

with a "d", as in "fraudulent"...

there's no such word as "frogulent"...

No, problem.
We have detected an erratic purchase pattern in your most recent statement and wanted to confirm your card's security has not been compromised and that you did, in fact, authorize the following purchases:

*April 24th-I'm showing a charge for $1740.93 at the True Religion Jeans Company Online store.
Ok.

*April 29th- $1207.89 at the Ed Hardy for Her Online Boutique
Ok, fine.  Oh, unrelated, but is there really a "her" in your life Mr. Lipshitz?
Ah, yes.  The power of positive thinking.

*May 5th-$3448.99 Paco Rabanne Online High-End Eau De Smellery Outlet
Went a little crazy for Cinco, didn't you Mr. L?

Well, I guess the main reason I'm calling is that our records show you were born in 1970, and I don't have my calculator on me, but that should put you somewhere in the neighborhood of "a little old for acting like a jack-ass". 

Ok, yes, maybe that was a little blunt.  I'm sorry if I sounded a bit out of line, but I'm coming from a place of concern, not a place of judgement.  Let's not call this a confrontation, let's think of it more as a care-frontation.  Doesn't that sound a lot less threatening?  After all, I'm not asking you change the habits that years and years of "d-baggery" have built-up in your life, but simply to shed some light on the pathway back to being a contributing member of society and heck, maybe even becoming the kind of person that other people can tolerate and perhaps look forward to being around.  Baby-steps, Mr. L.  Baby-steps.

Oh, I don't know right off hand...but, how 'bout this.  You're probably wearing some sort of baseball cap are you not?  Ok, well if it is sitting in the "ace-duece" position or even if it is completely backwards from the way the manufacturer intended it to be worn, why not just reach up there and give it a spin until the front faces the same direction you are facing?  Good.  Now, let me have you reach up there again and give that bill just a little crease in center and round those sides out, just a tad.  Not too much, no need to make it look like you work at JiffyLube, but take a little starch out of the ol' "New Era" there.  Feels good, no?

Ok, ok.  I think that is enough for today.  Don't want to overdo it, but I do have one last question.  I assume you are hitting the clubs tonight and seeing as I have your address here in my file, what say I drive it on down from O-town and we rip up the set together?  You can be my wing-man, Iceman.  I can just sleep on your floor.  Oh, it's no problem, I don't have to be back at work for quite a while.  I actually got fired from First National last week and now my days are filled with time and client lists.