Morning Weigh-In

Every morning I weigh myself but first I always blow my nose. Usually 14 times. I void my bowels of course- four times or so. I take off all my clothes. I dig out the earwax from my ears with a Q-tip but really that just pushes the build-up further down my ear canal so I also rinse them out with hydrogen peroxide…twice each side. I shave my face and neck, then my chest, my back, arms and legs, also the back of my hands and feet and even the tiny patches of hair between my knuckles and on my toes. I slough off any dead skin cells. I take out my contacts and pluck all but the most essential eyebrow hairs. I cut my fingernails. I trim off any skin tags. I say aloud any negative thought and forgive anyone who has ever wronged me, lest that weigh me down even emotionally. I simultaneously release all my bodily fluids in a beautiful deluge while standing in the tub. I occasionally retch but only to rid my body of excess stomach acid and bile. I gnaw off any chapped skin from my lips. I painstakingly remove every blackhead. I buff my callouses, bunions and corns. I thoroughly excavate any lint in my belly button. I strip all the essential oils from my skin and save it in an adorably tiny mason jar so I can re-introduce it to my dermis after weigh-in. I aggressively exhale and fill my lungs with helium. I vigorously rub an ionic wand (my own invention) over my entire body to capture any stray atomic particles. Then I weigh myself. I could still stand to lose five pounds.