The Tedium Before the Storm

Mary Goodnight: Good afternoon James.

James Bond: Hello love. Any news? No don’t answer that. I know there isn’t any bloody news.

Goodnight: You’re in a mood today.

Bond: Well of course I am. There hasn’t been an assignment for the 00s in 18 months. I’m bored to tears.

008: James, you’re back from lunch! Did you drink it or smoke it today?

Bond: Both and I still don’t feel any better.

008: Well good news. Word is that Ernst Blofeld is alive after all- and rampaging through downtown Buenos Aires.

Bond: What the bloody hell? That’s impossible!

008: Ha, yes, you idiot, it is impossible.

Bond: Dammit Bill, I hate you so much.

008: You sound just like my first and third wives.

Goodnight: Really now, why can’t you two get along? Why not go down to the shooting range and practice with your new Walther?

008: You know we can’t do that Mary- M took our guns away after last week’s game of “Shoot the hat off of Q while he begs you, for the love of God, to stop”.

Goodnight: Right, that bit. Well maybe you should go see how Q is doing after his three consecutive heart attacks?

Bond: I don’t think that’s a good idea. As I understand it, Q has devised several booby traps in the guise of ordinary objects in case we come round again.

008: Right then.

Bond: Right.

Several minutes pass as the sound of Mary Goodnight’s typing, the coffee percolating, and muted traffic noise begin to give way to a thick but dull hum.

Bond: Did you say something?

008: What’s that?

Bond: I said, ‘Did you say something?’

008: I just said ‘What’s that?’

Bond: No, I mean…never mind.

More minutes pass

008: I don’t have a wine-rack.

Bond: Hmm?

008: I don’t really like wine, it just seems one should have a wine rack.

Bond: Rather.

More minutes pass

Bond: Did you say something?

008: Me?

Bond: Something about wine?

008: No, I don’t think so.

Bond: Right then.

008: Rut.

Bond: Did you just say rut?

008: No, I said right.

Bond: I think you said rut.

008: Go to hell James.

More minutes

008: Want to go to Blades for some bridge?

Bond: No, last time I was there I was very, very drunk and hit on Basildon’s niece.

008: What was she doing at Blades?

Bond: I think it would be more appropriate for you to ask, ‘Oh, does Basildon have a niece?’ and upon finding out that 'No, Basildon does not have a niece' to ask ‘Oh, were you so drunk that you mistook one of the potted plants near the dining room, inexplicably, for Basildon’s fictional niece and then vigorously make love to that same plant on the very table where Basildon was lunching?' and upon being answered in the affirmative you should then ask ‘Did you happen to realize your mistake about halfway through the act but then decide to press on because James Bond never quits on a job?'. Finally you should follow up with ‘Did you then take Basildon, at gunpoint mind you, into the lavatory and force him to watch you cry for 45 minutes, vomit, cry for several minutes longer, vomit once more, dry heave and fall asleep?'. Because the answer is yes.

008: Oh.

Goodnight: Please excuse me. I think I’ll head home early.

INXSive

(downtown office of Punch McGarnicle: businessman)

Ok.  Well, thank you for coming in to interview today, Mr. Van Huesen was it?

Van Halen.  Steve Van Halen and thank you for seeing me.  My condolences for the recent passing of your brother, Ditch, was it? Anyhow, I just stopped by to drop off my resume and completed application, so I really didn't expect anyone to be available for an interview.  I'm sorry I'm not dressed more formally.

Oh, not at all.  Let's just call it a little "get to know you session".  Why don't we start with some of your interests.  By the way, I think you have a little something on your shirt there.  There's a box of tissues on the desk behind you there.

Ahhh...that is so embarrassing.  I had the top down on the drive over and a flock of birds got me at a red light.  Seagulls I think.

Hmm.  Don't see many of those here in Austin.  Wait.  Just wait a minute.  Did you say...your last name is Van Halen and you are claiming a Flock of Seagulls attached you on the way over here?  I've got a bad feeling about where this interview is headed.

U2, huh?  You know I couldn't put my Badfinger on it, but when I walked in I had a Bon Jovi of a time just finding my way to the personnel department. 

That isn't even a phrase.  And, it's lazy writing.

A-ha!  Boy George, you got me there.  Guilty as charged.  Heh heh.  Don't call the cops on me!

Did you mean to say The Police?

Oh, J. Geils!  That would have been even better.  Oh well, I only Human League, and feeling a little under the weather at that...can't think of how to work The Cure into this sentence.

Good day, Mr. Van Halen.  

I thank you for The Time, and we salute you. 

My House. Eight O'Clock in the P.M. Every Ding-Dang Night.

Let it gooo. Let it go. I am one with the wind and sky.  Let it...Oh, hey Dad, just belting out some of the classics.  Mmm, she said she needed some "alone time".  I'm good.  Doing good, how 'bout you?  Good...uh, I was kinda watchin' that before...Ok then, and where are we going in such a...alrighty upstairs it is.  Oh, that's ok we don't...No, I already brushed my teeth, so we can just...I'll go turn my show back on and...Why are you looking at me like that exactly?  Hey, c'mon.  I mean I'm almost six years old, so I don't think I would actually forget to brush my teeth at this...Are you feeling the toothbrush?  I don't know why it's dry.  I mean, I mean I'm not a toothbrush scientist here.  I mean what am I a...one of those lab assistants here, a uh, a toothbrush technician, if you will?  I mean come on now, we're both adults and...Are you seriously sticking that toothbrush in my mouth with nothing on it but toothpaste?  Come on, man, a little water on the bristles please.  We've been through this.  I thought we were friends here...Whoah, sorry about your shoe.  No, I was, I was.  I said I was!  I don't know what happened, I was aiming for the sink, you bumped my elbow, a little water on your shoe...no biggie, right...Hey!  Hey, hey, hey, whoah, it is not time yet.  No, no, no, no... look the sun is still out!  Come on, man, that is not from the street light, it looks like high noon in the Sahara out there, Dad.  I just...I just...ok here it is...I just want something else to eat, ok?  I'm...very hungry, and I thought I had more time, so...I don't know what I want.  What do we have?  Yikes, ok...easy there old timer, I'm going, and I can do without the pushing, please.  I don't know, I think it was down stairs.  I had it while I was watching tv.  Well of course I need it, how would you like to sleep without a pillow...Don't get angry at me!  I'll be happy to go get...Ok, I'll wait here with Elsa and my water bottle.

Well, thank you, it would have been a long night without...Oh that?  It's probably just some spilled water.  Hey, how are you and Mom doin'?

Inner Monologue of an English Gentleman sitting in Starbuck's shortly before closing time

(To be voiced in a British accent, slowly and kind of pervy.  But, not Cockney. I hate Cockney.)


 Oh, look at you.

Mmmmph.

Look at you,
look    
at      
you.

Let's have a nice, loooooong look. 

You are a perky little tart, aren't you. 

I'll bet you get lots of attention around the office don't you, dearie?  I hope I'm not being too forward, but I have to say I'd be just chuffed as nuts to come over there and pop you right in my gob.  A little cinnamon for your buns?  Why, I've half a mind to stuff you in my ruck sack and cane back to my flat as fast as my Impreza will carry us.

What's that, love?  Oh, now keep your hair on, no need to throw a wobbly.  Don't let anything an old duffer like me says cheese you off.  Why, it's just that you've got me arse about tit and its been a donkey's year since I've set eyes on anything quite so lovely as yourself.

There that's better, now.  Why I'd have to be a cackhanded, rat-arsed knob to codswallup any tosh on you.  So before you think I've gone off my trolley and you put me on my bike, let me take you out for one night to stone the crows.  We'll get pear-shaped and put some welly into it!  It'll be tickety boo. Oh, muffins and bangers.

Crumpets!


Buzzzzz!

Player one, you've got control of the board.

I'll go with "hungry", Bob.

We'll find out in two minutes.  Stay tuned. We'll be back with more of Great Britain's most popular game show, "Lonely or Hungry", right after this commercial break.

Peter Cook's The Guilty Party

Today's post isn't written by anyone in the Snark Stable- as you'll soon be able to tell by the quality of the writing (if you weren't able to tell by the title above). Peter Cook, the British comic, writer, actor, and leading figure in the absurdist, satirical comedy movement of the 1960s and beyond, wrote this in probably under 5 minutes way back in the late 1950s.

I love clever absurdist humor and this is one of the finest examples that I have ever come across. I still giggle every time I read it.

Guilty Party

(Last Laugh, Cambridge Arts Theatre, 1959)

(A police Constable and a police Inspector are in a police station. There is a knock at the door.)

Inspector: See who that is, will you Constable?

Constable: It’s a Mr. Prone, Inspector.

(Enter Mr. Prone)

Prone: Mr. James Prone, Inspector, of Hawkchurch. I’m sorry to disturb you at this hour.

Inspector: Not at all. Won’t you come in? What can we do for you?

Prone: I’d just like you to ask me a few questions.

Constable: Questions? What about? There’s nothing wrong, is there?

Prone: It’s purely a matter of routine, Inspector. There’s no need for you to feel alarmed, but you are in fact investigating a murder.

Constable: Murder? But this is horrible!

Prone: Yes Constable. Murder is an ugly thing. That is why I should be extremely grateful if you would help me bring the culprit to bear by asking me one or two simple questions.

Inspector: But I don’t understand, Mr. Prone. What kind of questions?

Prone: Like ‘Did I know Mrs. Tallow well?’

Inspector: Only slightly. You used to play bridge together, but you don’t mean to say…

Constable: Is she? She’s not! She can’t be! She isn’t?

Prone: I’m afraid so. She was found stabbed this morning at 11:31 between the third and fourth rib.

Constable: Poor Annie! Why did it have to be her? She never hurt a soul!

Inspector: There, there Constable. You mustn't upset yourself. You must excuse my Constable, Mr. Prone. You see he was much closer to her than I was. But I still don’t see what this horrible thing has got to do with you.

Prone: Where was I this morning between eleven and twelve?

Inspector: You were…you were… now look here Prone, you’re not suggesting…

Prone: I’m not suggesting anything, Inspector. I only want you to get the facts. Now where was I this morning?

Inspector: I expect you were in the garden- gardening the beds.

Prone: And did anybody see me gardening?

Inspector: How the devil should I know? Now see here Prone, I don’t like your tone.

Prone: I’m only trying to do your job, Inspector. It isn't always a very pleasant one.

Inspector: I’m sorry. I’m sorry about that. It’s just that you got me on the raw. Of course we’ll do all we can to help you.

Prone: And now the Constable would like to ask me a few questions.

Constable: I… I… Oh dear, I don’t know what to say.

Inspector: Can’t you see the Constable’s overwrought? He’s not himself.

Prone: Let me see your shoe, Constable. Just as I thought. This speck of gravel is identical to the gravel in Mrs. Tallow’s drive. You were there this morning, weren't you? Come clean now, Constable.

Constable: Oh, what’s the use? You’re too clever for me.

Inspector: Is this true, Constable? Why didn't you tell me?

Constable: I thought you’d be angry.

Prone: And what were you doing there?

Inspector: Look here, Mr. Prone- you’re not implying that the Constable is in some way implicated in this affair?

Prone: I am implying that at 11:15 precisely, he looked in through the large bay window and saw the murder done- correct, Constable?

Constable: I’m sorry, Inspector. I couldn't help it.

Prone: Yes, Constable. I’m afraid the game’s up. You looked through that window and saw me stab Mrs. Tallow.

Constable: Yes, yes. I confess.

Prone: In that case, I’m afraid you have no alternative but to arrest me for willful murder, and of course to caution me.

Inspector: But this is absurd, Mr. Prone. We can’t possibly arrest you on such tenuous evidence as that. There’s no proof.

Prone: The Constable saw me do it.

Inspector: I don’t see what that’s got to do with it. He’s not a reliable witness. He’d soon break down under skillful cross examination.

Prone: My fingerprints are all over the murder weapon.

Inspector: But this is all purely circumstantial evidence. Besides, we haven’t found it.

Prone: Look in my pocket.

Inspector: I haven’t a search warrant. No, no. I tell you, Mr. Prone, we haven’t got enough to go on. For instance, what motive did you have?

Prone: Money. She left me all she had. It’s no use Inspector. You must arrest me.

Inspector: Are you threatening me Prone? I warn you, I have influential friends in the force.

Prone: Constable, take me into custody.

Inspector: You’ll never get away with this.

Prone: I’m coming quietly, Inspector. You always get your man in the end.

Inspector: Alright, you devil, Prone. You win. But let us have one last drink before we go. Won’t you join us?

Prone: Not while I’m on duty, thank you. Wait, what were those white crystals you put in those glasses? Give them to me!

Inspector: Too late, Prone. We’ll never live to run you in. You see, that was cyanide we drank.

(The Inspector dies)

Constable: Oh no, Mr. Prone- you’ll never hang.

(The Constable dies)

Prone: Damn, damn, damn. I've slipped through their fingers again. I should never have allowed them that last drink. I thought it was the perfect crime, but like all murderers, I made that one fatal mistake.

Brainstormed Ideas for the New Rascal Scooter Model Name Put in the Maybe Pile

• The Freedom
• The Liberty
• The Dignity
• The False Sense of Independence
• The You Can Take My Driver License But You Can't Take My Rascal (Especially If I Swallow the Key)
• The Yes I Went to My Doctor Appointment, Stop Badgering Me
• The Did I Ever Tell You About the Time...
• The Your Kids Will Remember to Call You on Your Birthday This Year for Sure
• The Large Print Edition
• The I'm Sorry Officer I Thought This Was Street Legal
• The I Thought Retirement Would be Different