Harvey Van Deferens: Public Accountant/Pick-Up Artist

Well, hello there young lady.  My name is Harvey.  I was just wondering if you were, in fact, a library card, because **chuckle, snort** I'm signing you out.  Checking!   Er, checking you out, rather.  I am checking you out.
Yes, I suppose you're right, it is the books that get checked out instead of the library card, per say.  Yes, you too.  Enjoy your evening. 


Excuse me, miss.  I was wondering if you were a parking ticket, because you have "fine" written all over you.
Yes, and to you as well.  Drive safely.


Pardon me, but if you were looking for something cute and furry I believe I meet all of your Koalafications.  Wait, where are you going?
Owl just wait here then.
Let minnow if you change your mind.
Ha, that was hawkward.
...what's another animal...think, Harvey, think...


Hello.  Harvey Van Deferens, CPA.  You know there are three types of accountants, those who can count and those who can't.
No, that's what makes it funny, you see...wait...YOU'RE TURNING MY ACCOUNTING SOFTWARE INTO ACCOUNTING HARDWARE!
Your loss.


Hello there, young lady.  That is a lovely dress you have on this evening.  I just wanted to let you know that I am all yours and ask what your other two wishes are.
Oh, you liked that one, huh.  Sorry, I didn't mean to make you laugh while you were in the  middle of your drinky drink.  I think you got a little something on your neck there, let me get that for you.  Funny, this lighting is so bad in here it almost makes it look like you have an Adam's apple.  Why yes, I would love to dance with you.  That is certainly a firm grip you have.  I appreciate that in a woman.

Cat Tails!

Editor's note.  I'm kind of picturing the narrator's voice sounding like a Brooklyn accent from every cop movie you've ever seen (I don't know...Joe Pesci, I guess.  Don't get hung up on it, it's not that important) and the man in the story's voice having a proper English accent, but definitely not cockney.  Just make that happen in your head as you read it.  Trust me, it is at least a little funnier that way.  

(Well then read it how ever you want.  I don't care.) Also, I didn't put each character's name in front of their lines when it is their turn to speak.

(Because there are only two characters and one is a narrator, that's why not. Come on, man.  You're making this way harder than it needs to be.  You can do this.)  We're starting.
 


Hey, hey... 'morning fellas.  Sorry I'm late.  Traffic was a friggin' NIGHTMARE this morning.  Night friggin' mare.  I'm tellin' ya there are too many people in this city now.  We could do with about half.  About half.  Know what I mean?  And, it's just gettin' worse.  Everyday its gettin' worse.  Ok, what am I narrating today?  Let's see what we got here.  

Huh?  Na, I don't need to read through it, lets just take it from the top and I'll improvise as we go.  Let's see, what's our title here?  

"Cat-Day Afternoon"  Hmm.  That sounds awful.  One man show, huh? Ok, ok, maybe it's like a take off on the old Pacino movie, what was that called? Huh?  I dunno, I hate friggin' cats, right?  Oh, you and me both, pal.  You and me, both.  Alright, let's see if this dog can hunt.  Let's get started here.

Our story begins in an office.  
Great.  Real original.  Maybe the writing gets better as we go along, right? We can only hope.

Thank you for coming in, Ms. Purrdy.  Just have a seat here and we'll get started.  Oh, thank you.  My wife bought it for me. 

Ugh...I don't know about you, but I hate this guy already, huh.  Am I right?  Ok, ok.  Maybe it picks up.

Your application seems to be in order.  I have your resume here.  Ah.  Now then, I see under references you listed a Kitty Purry, a Clawdia Schiffer, an Eartha Kitten, and finally a Catalie Cole.

Uh-oh.  Red flag.

Ms. Purrdy, I don't know how to put this delicately, so I'm just going to come right out and ask.  Are you, by any chance, a cat lover?

Nice work there, Captain Obvious.  Did the cat hair covered pantsuit tip you off.  Hey...hey, did you hear what I called him?  I called him "Captain Obvious".  I know right?  And, how 'bout this chick.  Too busy to run a lint-roller over those comfort slacks before the big job interview this morning, sweetheart?

Twenty-nine?!!

Twenty-nine!  Yikes!  Am I right fellas?

Twenty-nine cats...sharing the same house with you, under the same roof, eating I can only assume, the same food?

Ha!  I'd say this interview is just about over, right?  Time to tell this broad to kick rocks, buddy.  Heh.  Go sell crazy somewhere else, 'cuz we're full up here.  Gnome sayin'.

Well, Ms. Purrdy, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I feel I must be completely honest with you.

That's it.  Let her have it, pal.  You gotta be firm with these crazy types.  Don't sugarcoat it.

I think that is...well...I think that is just fantastic.

There you go, buddy.  Wait, what?

Simply fantastic.  I find the whole arrangement just adorable.

Cheese and crackers!  Are you off your rocker, too?  This dame is nutty as a friggin' ...I dunno, something with nuts!  You got me off my game here, Chief.

Now, I know this may be a bit of a long shot, but these feline roommates of  yours wouldn't, by any chance ALL have celebrity-pun nicknames would they?

Long shot?!!  I'd call that an uncontested lay-up, pal.  Drinks are on me if she ain't got a cutesy, Hollywood handle for every last one of those friggin' hair-balls.  And, speakin' o' balls...

Fantastic! I look forward to hearing all about each one after the interview.  And, don't you dare leave any of them out.  Don't even try.  I'll be taking notes.  Ah, that's fantastic.

I don't think you know what "fantastic" means there, Ace.

Now, fingers crossed on this one, but any chance you brought pictures with you?

Any chance?  Try every chance!  I mean come on.
Don't you see what's goin' on here, man?  This chick has "serial killer" written all over her, and I'm startin' to hope you are her next special little project.

Outstanding, Ms. Purrdy! Outstanding indeed.  An entire photo album hidden right there in your comicly oversized purse?  Well, that is just one of the most pleasant surprises to which I've ever been privy.

Harry S. Truman, who writes this crap?

What's that.  Oh, yes, yes, of course you've got the job, and quite honestly, I don't know how we've gotten along all this time without you.  By the way, when can you start?

Don't say "meow".  
Don't say "meow".  
Don't say "meow".
 
DAMMIT!!!

AAAAAAHHHHH, HAHAHAHA!  Did you just say, "How about right meow"?  You did, didn't you?  You did, I knew it.  At first I thought you said "How about right now?", but then I realized...
Oh, I'm going to have to keep my eye on you.

Don't say "purfect"...I'll punch you in the neck.  Don't you dare say "purfect".


Well, I guess all I have to say in response, is that would be just...purrrrrrrrfect. 

Son of a...

AAAAAAHHHHH, HAHAHAHAHA!  I know...I know, I did it, too.  Oh, we'd better...we'd better stop now.  Or else you'll make me PUMA pants!  Did you hear what I did there?!  Did you hear what I did? 
Oh, how will the two of us ever get ANY work done?  I think this train of thought just jumped the tracks!

@#%*!



Editor's note.  Sorry, I guess those voices didn't help much after all did they?  Oh well.  You just try your best, you know?  Live and learn...see what works.  What are ya gunna do?  Yep.
Awright den. 

Wilkes-Barre Community College, October 2015

Professor Wilsmith Hasselhoff docks his hoverboard outside his office and sprints down the hall to his 2:15 lecture on Moderately Influential American Blogs of 2014.

Ok class, I apologize for my tardiness, I had to stop for space fuel on my way to campus and left my bitcoins at home.  Today we will be looking at the third most influential blog of 2014, This Blog Needs More Snark. Turn in your quantum textbooks to space-page Alpha 619.

The leading "Snarks", as history would remember the contributors of the blog, were comprised of Will Roberson, whose most enduring contribution to the genre consisted of naming one of his characters, "Hoffmore"; Brian, who remains a darling of the literary world for his universally hailed bold choice of Helvetica font; MoneTerry, who left the group shortly after achieving financial independence through a series of successful 1-800-Dog-Poop brick and mortar franchise openings; Pappy Lester, currently on tour as a life coach/action star; and Stately Wayne, who became known for frequent misspellings and really seemed to lack focus in keeping the fourth wall up for the duration of many of his weaker posts.

Oh, I forgot it's cake day in the breakroom.  Not sure whose birthday it is, but I'd better go check it out.  Guess I'll just save this and come back to it later when I have time to expand on the story and give the characters more development.  Whoops!  I hit the "publish" button instead.  Oh, well.  I wish everyday was cake day.  I hope there is still time to get a corner piece.  Maybe it's chocolate.

Most Important Meal O' the Day

Satin-polished, fine Swiss timepieces.

German-engineered, luxury automobiles.

Bespoke-tailored, silk menswear.

4-head, video cassette recorders.

Are you accustomed to the finer things in life?

Monte Blanc.

Armani.

Swarovski.

Mentos.

Do you demand the cache that only the world's finest luxury brands can offer?  

Now, for the discriminating consumer, the makers or Johnnie Walker  Red, Black, Green, Gold, and Blue, proudly introduce new Johnnie Walker Brown, maple-flavored syrup.

New Johnnie Walker Brown syrup pairs perfectly with Eggo, Aunt Jemima, and even America's Choice brand frozen breakfast waffles.  I wouldn't pair it with Kashi brand all-natural  frozen waffles, though.  Something about whole grain makes the syrup congeal and give off a putrescent aroma.

With a touch of maple flavoring and a hint of scotch (less alcohol per serving than an ounce of Nyquil, we're not trying to get anyone to lose their job over their choice of breakfast syrup) Johnnie Walker Brown "softens the edges" of your morning while gently easing you into your day.

In fact, we believe it won't be long before you and all your friends are slurrily saying, "Johnnie Walker Brown: It's not just for breakfast anymore".  But, seriously you should probably limit Johnnie Walker Brown to one or two servings at breakfast.  You're internship is important and the first time a co-worker smells scotch on your breath in the morning meeting, you are going to be filling out a mountain of paperwork in the HR department, my friend.  Sure that lady was friendly and helpful when you needed help setting up your retirement plan the first day you started with the company, but if you think she is going to return any of your calls when you get fired and have to roll-over any contributions to another employer, you haven't been fired from very many jobs have you, Optimus?  Drink responsibly and don't be naive to the office politics going on around you.

Johnnie Walker Brown: Breakfast is Back, Baby.  

Coming soon, Johnnie Walker Mauve for your gluten-free life decisions.

Evening News

Tom--Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to News 9 Austin.  My name is Tom Maidenform and this is tonight's top story.
An Austin man is said to be in good spirits and "on the mend" after breaking into the city zoo overnight and waking one of the North American Black Bears with an open-handed strike to the browline. For more on this story as it develops, we take you now to the newest member of our news team, Vince Nutslap.

Vince--Thank you, Tom.  Happy to be a part of the team.  That's actually a hard "u" in my last name.

Tom--Sorry, Vance.

Vince--Actually, it's "Vince", and I would  think a man with the last name, "Maidenform" might be a little more sensitive toward someone else's handle.

Tom--Easy, Newbie. You might not understand what could be happening to you very soon if I leave my seat here in the studio.

Vince--I'm sorry, are you talking about taking a wild swing at me with your purse, Tom?

Tom--Heh, heh. You know it's been ages since I punched a man in the brains, Nutslap, but I hear you never forget how.

Vince--Oh, really?  You try me, Tom.  I'll make you famous, old man!

Tom--I WILL DEVOUR YOU LIKE A FREE CHRISTMAS HAM!

Vince(calmly)--Tom, I want you to settle down and listen very carefully to my words.  Right now two friends of mine are breaking into your house as we speak, with the full intention of finding and leaving with all of your most sentimental childhood album photos and cherished sports memorabilia.

At this point Tom is wrestled to the ground and dragged off the set by his producer, Linda Algonquin Van Pinkett-Smith, and meteorologist, Justin Banderas-Estrada. The cameraman, Litoris  Wolfgrappler, is instructed to keep rolling as it is, in fact, sweeps week.

Tom(from the bottom of a News Team 9 dogpile, starting to get a little riled up at this point)--I HOPE YOU STEP ON A LEGO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NUTSLAP!  WHEN I FIND YOU, YOU WON'T BE FIT FOR A JOB ON ALL-ACCESS TELEVISION!  LET GO OF ME!  I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED!

Chivalry is Dead

Dispatcher:  “Sherriff’s Department.  What’s the nature of your emergency?”

Caller:  “Yes, I’d like to report a sexual assault.”

D:  “Ok, slow down mam.  First are you safe now?

C: “I think so, he just walked away.”

D: “Ok, can you give me a description?”

C: “Male, Caucasian, brown hair, blue eyes, about 5 foot 10.  Alarmingly skinny.  Wearing a suit and tie.”

D: “OK mam, I’ve just sent out an APB on the suspect.  Can you please tell me what happened?”

C: “Oh my God, it was so scary.  I was leaving the office where I work and he and I got to the door at the same time.  He…he…oh God.

D: “Just calm down mam, I need to know what happened.”

C: He..he…he smiled at me and held the door!  Oh god!

D: “And he touched you inappropriately then?”

C: “What?  No, that was it.  He held the door for me and smiled!  Can you believe it?  It was horrible!  He just looked so rapey! 

D: “Rapey mam?”

C: “Obviously only a sicko would do something like that, right?”  My friend said he’s the same perv that offered his umbrella to her in the parking lot when it was pouring down rain!”

D: “Uh…yeah.  Sounds pretty rapey.”

27th Annual Stapler and Three-Hole Punch Expo

Greetings from the 27th Annual Stapler and Three-Hole Punch Expo. I'm Hoffmore Badgerhole and let me tell you, I am excited to be here. There is an electricity in the air that's difficult to describe if you've never been to a SaTHP Expo. Electric! This year’s expo is being held at the newly-renovated (now with chairs!) conference room of the downtown Best Western in practically temperate Calfstump, NV. The staff here at the Best Western are top-notch and for the first time in three years there’s barely any residual odor from the nearby hog-rendering plant.

We’re also excited to welcome our newest sponsor, Tap Out! Try the new Tap-Out! Line of staplers- the stapler you smash with your thick skull, you troglodyte! And of course Swingline’s new Ed Hardy edition of staplers- you could beat your girlfriend with them if you had a girlfriend, you disgusting ape!

But you’re probably saying to yourself, “Now listen here, Badgerhole, I came here for the latest in stapler and three-hole punch innovation and technology, so give it to me!” Don’t you worry friend, there’s big news on the stapler front. Everyone knows that Swingline is the King of staplers, but recent upstart Skaaplor, Sweden’s stapling darlings, are giving them a run for their money with their new staplers. These beauties hold up to seven more staples in the magazine and now come with an ergonomic grip!

But Bostich says, “Hey don’t forget about Bostich or I swear to God we will make you pay the price” with their latest stapler- model 3447! Now in Kelly green!

But you’re probably asking, “Hey Hoffmore, tell me about three-hole punches or I will burn you to the GROUND!” Ha! Get ready for this then: The customers have spoken and the industry has answered. “We don’t really care about three-hole punches, they seem fine I guess” they demanded. So the brilliant labcoats in three-hole punch R&D came up with a bold strategy and made sure everything stayed exactly the same. That’s right- no changes at all. Exciting!

Well that's all for this year's expo folks. Until next time, the Hoff-hole is signing off.

Modern Men’s Room Etiquette in Corporate America – Class 1

Good evening everyone.  My name is Keith and I’ll be your instructor for this portion of the class.  As many of you know, how you conduct yourself in the men’s room is vitally important in the modern age, and can even make or break your career.  Also, some of the things you learn here tonight might keep you from getting punched in the face.

We are going to run through the classroom portion of the curriculum first and then will be breaking into groups to run through some hypothetical examples.  The class will wrap up with a practical scenario in the men’s room down the hall.  That’s right gents – the best way to learn is to practice in the real world. 

OK, let’s get started.  I’ve been teaching this class for a while now, and I’ve found it’s just best if I run through a list of what not to do.

1.      Don’t talk unless absolutely necessary.  Do not start conversations.  Especially do not talk at the urinals.  You can say hello as you pass in the entryway or have a brief conversation at the sinks, but otherwise conversation should be kept to a minimum unless someone is bleeding, there are going to be layoffs, or if that cute girl in HR is wearing that skirt today.  You know the one.

This is not the time to talk about your family, make plans, or talk about the weather.  Strictly business.  If you want to shoot the breeze, do it by the water cooler.  A brief nod of acknowledgement is all you need.

2.       Never touch another man in the restroom.  If you do for some reason, prepare to defend yourself.  Knife play is likely.

3.       If you are faced with a bevy of choices of open urinals never choose one right next to another man.  Leave at least one open space between you.  Preferably walk as far away from the other people as possible and choose the farthest open urinal available.  Rather than use a urinal directly next to someone, you might consider using a stall or just not using the restroom at all.  If you violate this rule expect to be quickly ostracized by your co-workers.

 

4.       Always wash your hands.  Simple. Sometimes overlooked.

 

5.       Do not spit in the urinal out of habit.  This is foul and a sign that you are low born and crass.

6.       Never form that weird line of guys waiting to use the restroom.  Go somewhere else or not at all.  Optimize your hydration schedule to avoid this.  Whatever you do, don’t form a line near me.  It is perfectly appropriate to deliver a donkey kick to anyone queued up behind you.

 

7.       If you encounter a closed stall door and are unsure of the stall’s occupancy status, feel free to give the door a gentle test.  Do not rattle the door repeatedly like King Kong trying to escape his cage.  The first time you feel the resistance of the lock should be enough.  Do you really need to shake the door seven more times to assure yourself that it is, in fact, locked?

 

8.       Do not talk on the phone in the men’s room.  At all.  Your stall is not a corner office for you to conduct business within.  The only exception I can think of is if your wife is expecting and it’s time to run catch a baby.

9.       I’ve got no problem if you want to quickly brush your teeth.  However, this is not your bi-annual dental checkup.  I don’t want to see or hear it.

 

10.   Never.  Ever.  Make eye contact at the urinals.  No, it’s never ok.  Ever.  You pretty much just became a sex offender if you do it.

Alright that’s it.  Break into your groups and we will start running through some hypothetical scenarios.

Fin.

I’m soliciting advances for the following book ideas:

Elephants are Stupid – No Really, They’re Just Big Dumb Animals.

Bathroom Etiquette for the Modern Man – Don’t be THAT Guy.

Dating for Convicts and Congressmen – Keep it Consensual.

Belt Knives – The Perfect Office Accessory?

Office Assassin – Or, Basically What to do About Bryan from Accounting.

Rhinos, Brothers of the Elephant – Also so, so Stupid.

How to Walk Down the Hallway – A Short Guide to Walking in a Straight Freaking Line for Women of a Certain Age.

Tee-Ball Dad – How to Motivate Your Son to Better Sports Performance Through Intimidation and Emotional Abuse.

Henry Winchester Fogglesbottom, III – The Life and Times of my Majestic Terrier Mutt.  Still Basically Just a Dog Though.  

Discount Nametags

ring--Hello, Dan's Discount Nametags.

Hey.  You that feller on the tv, what advertises nametags at a discount?

Yes sir, I'm Dan.  How can I help?

Are they discounted because they all say "Dan"?


ring--Hello, Dan's Dicount Nametags.

Yeah.  I was wondering how many miles of seawall have been built in the Netherlands?

Approximately 800.


ring--Hello, Dan's Discount...

No time for that.  Is it true that it is impossible to lick your own elbow?

That is actually an urban legend, as Guiness World Records receives about five claims a day for that feat.  It is unusual though.


ring--Go for Dan.

Sorry, wrong number.  Hey, is it possible to keep your eyes open when you sneeze?

Not naturally.  If done by force, you could pop an eyeball out, or damage the surrounding blood vessels.  So, good luck, but be careful.


ring--'dis Dan.

Yeah, Jordan or LeBron?

Six rings, Bro.


ring--Moshi Moshi.

Hi, is there another word for synonym?

Mmm. Circumlocution might work in a pinch.


ring--Ahoy-hoy.

Hi, Dan.  Would you rather go back in time and meet...

Forward in time and meet my descendants.


ring--Who 'dat?

Yes, back to the seawall in the Netherlands question.  Does that include...

Including dikes.
 


ring--Talk to me, Goose.

Dan, can you name the longest running broadway show of all time?

A Chorus Line.  No, wait!  Phantom.


ring--Whasssuuuuup?

Hey, man it's me, Carter.  Long time, no see...I was one of the ushers at your wedding and stayed late to help put up chairs.  So, I was on my way to the mall when I accidentally drove through a worm-hole and ended up at Camelot Music across from Chess King.  You know, the one next to J. Riggins?  Anyway, they had boxes of Fiddle-Faddle at the check-out counter reduced for quick sale, so I bought all they had.  Just wanted to see if you could come over and help me eat some.  Oh, hey and also I picked up the new Zaxxon for my ColecoVision while I was out.  So we could...

On my way, old friend.  I'm on my way.

Whatcha gonna do?

"Slick" Ric--Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is "Slick" Ric Shiavone, and as always, I am your host for this evening's live broadcast.  We are coming to you tonight from the fabulous  Gwinnett Center as Mid-South Championship Wrestling rolls through beautiful Daluth, Georgia and on with our countdown to Starcade-Wrestlepalooza 2014, the biggest pay-per-view of the year.  Tonight we have what can only be described as an absolutely loaded telecast from top to bottom and standing to my left is the man who will defend his championship at Starcade in less than two weeks, a man who has wrestled all over the world, but is undefeated thus far in his time here in Mid-South Championship Wrestling, and looks to continue that streak in a non-title match here in tonight's main event, "Hacksaw" Jim Johnson.  "Hacksaw", what do have for these rabid fans here this evening?

"Hacksaw" (jacked)--Well you know something, "Slick" Ric?  "The Hacksaw" has been up and down these roads takin' on all comers, brother.  Whether it's the Pyramid in Memphis, Tennessee; the Davis Arena in Louisville, Kentucky; or right here in a jam-packed Gwinnett Center in the Dirty South; I take on anyone foolish enough to step foot in the ring with me, and I'm still the dirtiest player in the game, brother.

"Slick" Ric--Well these fans certainly seem to agree, "Hacksaw", but the man coming out to my right will no doubt have something to say before you two face off in tonight's main event.  A brand new addition to our roster and fresh out of college for that matter, let's bring him out, Vic "The Brain" Abandando.

"Hacksaw" (indignant)--Just another bump on the road to Starcade, brother.  One more notch on "The Hacksaw's" toolbelt.  And, speaking of tools, are you sure it was college you just graduated, because it looks like you just finished high school, little man.  Ha!

Vic--Actually, Mr. Johnson, and "Slick" Ric, I recently completed my doctorate in Psychology and would just like to applaud the "Hacksaw" here for putting up such a brave front in the face of what is certain to be a catastrophic fall from grace in the aftermath of his inevitable, eventual championship loss at some point here in the twilight of his illustrious career.  

"Slick" Ric--How 'bout it, "Hacksaw"?

"Hacksaw" (flexing)--Oh, yeah?  Well, whatcha gonna do, when these pythons run wild on...

Vic--For that matter, the lack of unionization in professional wrestling has left almost all of the industry's former employees without medical insurance once their contracts expire.  All this to say nothing of the absence of properly researched company- sponsored individual retirement planning.  Tell me, Mr. Johnson, do you really expect social security and Medicare to meet what will surely be your multitudinous healthcare needs in your later life, or do you plan on wrestling well into your nineties?

"Hacksaw" (befuddled)--Come again?

Vic--Not to mention how you pridefully go on and on ad nauseam about traveling the territory defending that precious championship belt, but if I may ask, how long has it been since you have had a truly meaningful conversation with any of your children?

"Hacksaw" (slightly misty-eyed)--I have my own action figure...

Vic--And during these travels of yours, up and down the roads of this great country of ours, would it be fair to say in the poetic sense, at least, that the belt you so ferociously defend in that very ring, is in fact the only mistress to whom you have ever been completely faithful?

"Hacksaw" (openly sobbing)--Oh...cut me deep, brother.  Arrrrgh...you cut me...

Vic--See you in the ring, Champ.

"Hacksaw" (really just a big ol' mess at this point)--It hurts, Ric..."The Hacksaw" is bleedin' on the inside.  My emotions are aslant.  Hold me, Ric...it hurts so bad.

Open Mic Night (94 seat capacity comedy club, not a bad crowd for the middle of the week, several empty seats, but those in attendance are enthusiastic)

South, central Alabamaaaa!  Make some noise, y'all!  Hey, ha ha, hey, thanks for that warm reception.  I love you guys.  Love you guys.  Hey...hey, most of you know me.  And that means you know my name is Chad Tarkanian...and...woah, now...thank you.  You know that's right...Montgomery's own!  Very cool.  Always a great crowd here at the Laugh Mine.  Yes, indeed.  Very cool.  

Hey, I appreciate you coming out to support your local greater Montgomery-area comedians and, on a personal note, letting me try out some of my new material on you guys.  It means a lot.  It really does.  I, uh...can you hear me in the back?  Alright, now.  Ok.  So, the owners here were really cool about this whole idea.  Yes, give it up...big, big supporters of the local comedy scene.  Very cool.  Very cool.  Yes indeed, anyway, yeah, originally they were going to charge a cover tonight and I said, "Hey...like sex on an elevator, that is wrong on so many levels".  Huh? Alright. Very cool.  

Talk to me, Montgomery! 

Yes, sir.  So, hey...Did you guys know, or...were you aware rather, that the uh, Babylonians actually invented the number zero?  No, no it's true.  It's true.  The Babylonians.
Yeah, I know when I first heard that I was like, "Hey...thanks for nothing".  Huh?!  Right?  Oh, that's crazy. I...

You guys are pumped!   

You know as I look around, I see some familiar faces in the crowd tonight.  Very cool.  Yeah, I slap the base a little.  Yeah, so anyway I think that many of you other folks would know me from my work in a local Montgomery-area band called the 999 Megabytes, except for the fact that we haven't gotten a gig yet!  So...you...for that reason...Gig...

Whooo.  Is this too much fun?  Very cool.  

Hey, on a serious note, if I can just have your attention for a minute and then we'll get back to the entertainment...What's that?...Whoah...ouch!  Ok, yeah you got me there.  Got me there.  That was Steve wasn't it?  I set you up for that one, Steve.  Hey, though, for real though, I ...sincerely... appreciate each of you coming out and playing along...being good sports and a good crowd.  You know, we are trying to make this a regular event with the proceeds going to a different charity on each occasion.  Very cool.  Giving back, y'all. Yes, indeed, giving back.  

You know, being dyslexic myself, tonight's charity is near and dear to me, so tonight only, for every drink you order from the bra... 

Ever start a sketch without an ending?

Return of Herbert: The Semilrunkoning (A Very Unauthorized Continuation)

3:04 in the p.m.
Herbert is approached by an elderly man wearing butt-less chaps, introducing himself as Col. Windhorse-Pennyfeather, and asking for directions to the food court when a loud crash reverberates throughout the entire 1-800 Cat Mugs/The Limited area.  A second elderly gentleman wearing a "Pappy Lester-Life Coach" hat has dropped down through the mall skylight on his 2014 Sportster SuperLow 1200T touring-capable motorcycle directly on top of the closest thing Herbert has had to a customer all day.  Sensing Herbert's obvious dismay at losing an opportunity to possibly turn a chance encounter with a hopeful food court patron into a life-long cat-mug owner and repeat customer, Pappy Lester reaches down and tears the mask off of the elderly-looking Col. Windhorse-Pennyfeather, revealing a middle-aged man whom Lester confirms to be the infamous, evil Dr. Prof. Windhorse-Pennyfeather, PhD/DDS.  "You've been corn-cobbed, Pennyfeather!" declares Lester before riding off to alert the mall security staff on duty.

3:09 p.m.
Herbert closes up early for the afternoon, remembering to stop by Spencer's Gifts, to pick up a surprise for his beloved pet, Catalie Portman, on his way out of the mall and pawsing (sorry) to remember the good old days when the only reason he even came to this dilapidated, old shell of a mall was to pick up a fully-loaded, over-sized baked potato and wash it down with a large Orange Julius.

Somewhere, in the distance...a dog barked.

7 Hours in the Life of Herbert Semilrunk, proprietor of the Lakeville Mall 1-800-CAT-MUGS Kiosk (close to the Limited Too)

10:03 AM, phone rings
Hello, thanks for calling 1-800-CAT-MUGS. Before you ask, yes I know that’s not the number to the store but I’m afraid that number was already taken. Also, yes it’s a brick-and-mortar store, not a warehouse with a virtual storefront like most of the “1-800” businesses are. I don’t really want to get into that whole thing right now- besides I don’t even know you. Now, what can I help you with today? Oh, no sorry I think you have the wrong number.

11:12 AM, potential customer approaches kiosk
Hi, there. Welcome to the store. Or should I say “Welcome to the roar!” No, I suppose I shouldn’t, sorry. Well let me know if I can…hey wait…where are you…oh well.

1:54 PM, potential customer approaches kiosk
Hi, I’m Herbert. Are you looking for something specific? Oh, uh yes- the food court is just down the way there.

2:11 PM, phone rings
Hello, thanks for calling 1-800… what? No, just cat mugs. Yes, coffee mugs with pictures of cats on them. Well yes, now I know that it’s a terrible idea but it’s not like I’m going to be able to get my 401K back at this point and I know after the “scene” I caused when I quit my job at the bank that I won’t be headed back there anytime soon. Listen…hello? Dammit.

Savile Row

Col. Windhorse-Pennyfeather--Now then, Blazingame, what are your thoughts on this one?

Mr. Blazingame-- It's a fine leather, sir.  A full, top-grain hide made from American buffalo.  It has a soft hand and lots of character.  However, the grain might be a little... coarse for your liking if you don't mind my saying, sir.

Col. Windhorse-Pennyfeather--Hmm.  Yes, I suppose so.  Harump.  What do you suggest?

Mr. Blazingame--Well, Colonel.  This one comes to us from the Elmo tannery in Sweden which is widely considered to be the finest tannery in the all the world.  The hide is steer, so it is a little thicker while still possessing an excellent hand.  Here, feel for yourself.

Col. Windhorse--Pennyfeather-Hmmm.  Yes, quite so, quite so.  It's just that...well...

Mr. Blazingame--What is it, sir?

Col. Windhorse--Pennyfeather-Well, I suppose I just wanted something a little more...

Mr. Blazingame--Unique?

Col. Windhorse-Pennyfeather--Yes!  That's it.  Something that really makes a statement.

Mr.  Blazingame--Right this way.  This is a hand-stitched, faux croc embossed, semi-aniline, antiqued, lightly corrected, and burnished top-grain leather from an Argentinian free-range hide.  Lightly marbled to provide depth along with added character, and hand oiled for added, ah-hem, stain resistance, sir.

Col. Windhorse-Pennyfeather--Magnificent!  Grand and glorious work, Blazingame.  You've outdone yourself this time.
So, I trust you have all my measurements on file, I'll send my driver around next week for pick up.  Remember, rhinestones on the front, bullion fringe along the outside seams, and contrasting, bias-cut welt along the cut-outs on the hind-quarters.

Mr. Blazingame--Huzzah!  A splendid choice, sir.  Simply splendid.
Oh, and will you be requiring silk lining throughout the undercarriage, sir.

Col. Windhorse-Pennyfeather--Spot-on!  Wouldn't want any chafing.  Oh, and thank you again, Blazingame.  Fine work today indeed.  Your bespoke tailoring always ensures that mine are the finest butt-less chaps in all of central London.

Mr. Blazingame--Thank you, Colonel.  And the whole staff here at Floral 'n' Hardy's Custom, Fancy Chaps for Fancy Chaps thanks you for your continued patronage.  Huzzah, indeed.

Things I am NOT...

afraid to keep running Windows XP- I don't need Microsoft's support or approval.

the ideal weight for my height

completely convinced we have walked on the moon- I mean I'm like 99%, but some of the footage does look a little sketchy.

sure why Caddyshack is the best golf movie ever made and Caddyshack II is the worst- just the worst

about to stop watching House of Cards- Kevin Spacey was born for this role and Robin Wright is delightful.

intolerant- except for when it comes to lactose and hippies

overwhelmed- I'd say I've got just the right amount of whelm.

understanding how Rolling Rock can have such a smooth, drink-ability, while Rolling Rock Light has notes of sweat and a "foot-ish" aftertaste

gay- but that Matt Lauer is a handsome man

aware that the pick up line "Do you work at Dick's? Cuz you're sporting the goods" has ever not been well-received

fully insured

violating my restraining order 

the guy that cut you off on the way to work this morning- A lot of people drive late-model Ford Fiestas, so back up, friend.

**If there is something you are NOT, e. g., a fan of this blog entry, feel free to comment.  The Snark community is a mostly judgment-free zone.
Next post is lucky number 40!

The Killer Within

I can feel it rising up inside me, the old urge. For years it has been silent and lain dormant but something has awoken it. Something deep and aching has disturbed the slumber of my dark secret. My stomach trembles- quivers with anticipation. It lets out a low snarl. My head spins. When I get up from my chair I feel woozy and lightheaded, a sure sign of the horror to come. My hands grow clammy and my vision blurs ever so slightly. I won’t be able to concentrate until I satisfy the carnal beast. Tonight I will kill again.

Oh wait, I think I might just be hungry. I just remembered that I haven’t eaten since breakfast because that meeting ran long. Well to honest that’s a little embarrassing. Probably for the best though.

Oh yeah, that’s much better, I’m glad I keep those peanut butter crackers in my desk or things could have really gotten ugly.


Hmm, are those gas pains or are the old gods calling to me to bring them the lifeblood of the innocent? I guess probably just gas pains.

Please stop singing at me.

So I'm not at all a proponent of the separation of church and state, but recently I have stumbled upon a situation that has given me pause.
Before we go any further, I want to emphasize that I also don't believe in calling anyone out by name unless it is behind their back, and as I doubt she gets regular email alerts every time this particular blog is updated due to its somewhat benign and, if we are being honest with ourselves, some would certainly say, almost bijou-like  readership, (bijou being the word o' the day on my desk calendar and probably meaning something other than what I think it means) something...something...lost my train of ...

Anyway, her name is Rita Crouch and she lives here in north Austin if you want to look her up.  Here is what she does.

She sings in her church choir and will often, frequently, daily, and all the time sing in the workplace.  And, I didn't really have a problem with it when it was soft humming to a gospel tune in her head.  But, now it has morphed into singing along with the quite secular Muzac being played throughout the office and let me tell you, it is awkward, man.  Ok? Get that part down, because it's important.  I just freeze, and simply do not know what to do or how to act when she is "rippin' up" Fleetwood Mac just two desks down.  And, not just the hits either, she knows the deep tracks.

I feel like protocol dictates, the first time at least, that I smile and nod my head at her as if to say, "yes, you have been blessed with the voice of an angel and the choir director was absolutely in the wrong when he abruptly and egregiously (yesterday's word) gave your solo away to the youth director's niece", but after repeated instances of swaying, oscillating, and even occasional eye contact during the set list, I don't feel I have any responsibility to acknowledge said performance for fear of my actions being mistaken as a sign of approval and cause for encouragement.  (My writing coach says my sentences are long and clunky.)

In fairness, it is not as awkward as the public breast-feeding that goes on in our cafeteria, but everyone knows Bob just does it for attention and at least he doesn't make eye contact.

Pappy Lester - Life Coach

The following are answers to questions submitted by members of the millennial generation to Pappy Lester, a 96 year old WWII veteran forced out of retirement by the economic downturn.  Pappy was a machinist until he hit retirement, but because America no longer makes anything, he has chosen to work as a life coach upon his return to the workforce.  

Listen up corncobs.

I don't care what your mammies told you about how you're special, or an individual, or can be anything you want to be.  That's crap.  You're all stupid, whiny, and lacking in fiber.  I didn't travel halfway around the world to kill Nazis so you could sit around talking about your purpose in life like a bunch of long-hairs.  On to the questions...

- Is it OK for guys to wear tank tops? - I don't understand the question.  

- Which fruit is best in chicken salad, apples or grapes? - Neither.  Not everything has to be fancy.  Chicken.  Egg. Celery.  Mayonnaise.  Maybe some salt and pepper if your feeling French.  Fruit does not belong in chicken salad.  You know who liked fruit in his chicken salad?  Hitler.

- Is it still cool to say YOLO? - Back in my day we called them YOYOs.  Why are you putting a toy name on your tank tops? 

[Pappy is informed that it actually stands for "You Only Live Once" You know, like when you and your friends are out getting cray cray in the club and you take a selfie and hashtag it #YOLO]. 

 Jesus H. Christ on a Glittery Crutch.  You mean to tell me you corncobs run around acting degenerate and then the behavior is excused when you say YOLO?  In that case, sorry Hitler #YOLO.  Did I do that right?          

- Which Craft Beer is best? - If its not Budweiser or Pabst its basically chardonnay.  I was under the impression beer was for repressing emotions and getting drunk.  Not for sitting around getting loose and conversational about fruity top notes and malted barley flavors.  

- Which energy drink is best, Rockstar or Monster? - Energy Drink?  Do you mean coffee?  Or whiskey? Oh you mean that garbage water you corncobs drink out of tallboys?  You know people who drink energy drinks are the same kind of "people" who say they are "winning at life".  They're also wrong.  

- 9mm or .45?  Oh thank you Jesus!  Finally a serious question.  Pappy carries a .45 Colt, cocked and locked.  One shot stop.  I would only use 9mm for shooting feral cats or Frenchmen.  Protect your property.  

-My friend Kendall says selfies are slutty.  Is that true? Is a selfie that thing my granddaughter does in the mirror with her cellular phone where she makes faces like a palsied duck?  

That's all for today corncobs.  Its time for my nap.  Submit more questions and maybe Pappy can get this generation back on track.  Better yet, take me home now Jesus!

SO RUDE

Our neighborhood has been relatively quiet since we moved in, but there was an interesting development across the street recently.  Our neighbors down the way had some friends over and there was a girl named Rainy (?) or Rainey(?) who was yelling at her date in the driveway for being SO RUDE (Emphasis definitely hers).

She’d rather just Facebook her mom and sit in the car than talk to him right now because he’s being MEAN (Emphasis also hers).

They were supposed to have a chill evening out with friends, and this is their fourth date and it was supposed to be SPECIAL (Not sure if emphasis hers or if the word was choked back by sobbing), and she wanted him and her besty Kennedy (Yes, really. Really) to bond.  But that wasn’t going to happen now because he was being SO RUDE (OK – I’m pretty sure emphasis definitely hers again).

He was wearing a pink fishing shirt, which I can only surmise lets the ladies know he’s both sensitive AND (Emphasis mine this time) outdoorsy.  I’m not sure Rainy/Rainey is feeling the power of this shirt because she’s now doing that strange things girls do where they’re crying, but also yelling/screaming?  (Yes – I’m really asking.  What is that noise they make called?)

I never caught his name, but I can also guess that it was probably Ryder, or Bryce, or Stryder, or Skyler, or Coy or something consummately unique.  He ended the conversation by telling her that no one cares about Facebook and that he was going inside for another COLDBEER (Emphasis his I guess?  He ran the words together as if Coldbeer denoted some sort of class distinction between Coldbeer and beers of varying temperatures.)

And…scene.

How to Tell if Someone Doesn't Like You

When in a conversation:

• Lack of eye contact
• Closed body language such as crossed arms or facing a slightly different direction
• General sense of disinterest

When at the office:

• Never responding to your “hellos”
• Dropping any projects that requires your input
• Requesting a transfer

When on a first date:

• Saying, “Let’s get this over with”
• Texting someone else throughout the entire date
• Leaving with a stranger met at the bar while you were left at the table to pay for the meal

When in a courtroom:

• Asking the judge for a restraining order
• Accusing you of violence or unwanted sexual advances
• Testifying against you in a murder trial

When in a hostage situation:

• Schooching away from you when tied up even if it means getting pistol-whipped by the hostage-takers
• Encouraging you to “be a hero”
• Saying things to the hostage-takers like “this guy here has nothing to live for, start with him”

When in a violent encounter:

• Threatening violence against you
• Committing violence against you
• Inciting others to commit violence against you

When in a mugging:

• Shouting at you to hand over the money
• Taking the money from you
• Punching you in the stomach even after getting the money from you

When in a police line-up:

• Scrutinizing you
• Pointing at you
• Pointing at you and saying something to the officer standing nearby such as "Oh yeah, that's definitely him."

Dog Poop

Now that I have your attention...

So there is a real life company called 1-800-Dog-Poop. They have a website and everything. Google it. I won't link to it here (unless 1-800-Dog-Poop would like to advertise with our fine blog).

You can't get them to come in for Six Sigma training. No, they won't handle your trust fund needs. They won't walk your company through an IPO. So what do they do, you ask? Well, they pick up dog poop.

According to their website, it is a national network of pooper scoopers. For a fee, they will come to your house, business, or neighborhood and pick up all of the dog poop.

That's right. When Fido does his business, you could lean over and pick it up with a sanitary dog doo bag. Or, your lazy ass can just leave it where he drops it, walk back inside and make a phone call to 1-800-Dog-Poop and they'll come get it in a few days. No questions asked. 

You can also drop a pin from your iPhone to ensure they get your dog's poo. No one wants to pay for the Wilson's dog mess. That's their problem.

Rough Sketch: The Road Cyclist

Twice daily shaving. With a focus on the thighs, knees and shins because it helps the healing process after all those bike crashes. Pasta. Lots of pasta. Wait, why is this guy crashing his bike so much?

Lives in Dallas, except when on his bike, then he's descending the French Alps. Considers and reconsiders every single gram in his life, even in the pen he writes with. Actually, prefers to write with a pencil because it's made of carbon, and winners like carbon.

No greater word in the French dictionary than 'peloton.' 20 in a 45. 45 in a 20. Ultralight beer. No, hydrogen-light beer. Never mind, he'll have water in a beer bottle, with his pasta. 26 cars riding his draft and he's not capable of caring either more or less because he is acutely unaware.

$45/month to soak a pair of bike shorts at LA Fitness at 5:30 every morning. Still annoyingly early to work. Lance Armstrong posters on the wall of his garage. Oops, Lance Armstrong's a liar and a cheat. Lance Armstrong posters in the trash.

It's not spandex, it's lycra. Fine, it's spandex.

Well, your posts aren't so great either. Maybe you're the terrible writer.

Do you like a hot cup of  Snapple?

Do you like a smooth Lionel Richie power ballad?  I'm talking about the Commodores here, not any of that solo crap.

Do you like pina coladas, but not necessarily getting seized in a deluge?

Do you like happy endings?  I mean in your movies, lets keep it clean, fella.


Well, if you answered "yes" to any of those questions...
I have a few more.  They follow as such:




Why does bottled water have an expiration date?

Have you seen my pants?

How famous does someone have to be before they are considered "assassinated" rather than just "murdered"?

Does this look infected?

If you drop a penny from the top of the Empire State Building, what is wrong with you?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Does this taste funny to you?

Why do people run from me?


Thank you gentle reader.

PowerPoint Prisontation

Felix Beansquad: Ah, Warden Caruthers, hello. Nice to meet you.
Warden Caruthers: Hello, thanks for coming to speak to the inmates today. What topics will you be covering?
Felix Beansquad: Well I just wanted to go over our foundation's core values and convictions. How do I get to the auditorium?
Warden Caruthers: Oh, riot this way. We have the chairs set up in rows already but feel free to re-arraign them however you like. Is there anyone else from your foundation coming by the way?
Felix Beansquad: Oh, no it's justice.
Warden Caruthers: Great. Ok, here come the inmates. Listen up everyone. Sit quietly and stay in your seats for the duration of this event or you will be penal-ized. It will last for about an hour with a short jail-break in the middle- about 5 to 10...minutes.
Felix Beansquad: Also, we'll have some refreshments set up in the back of the room with oatmeal cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and snickerdoodles. Be sure to trial three. Let's get started.

Inmates immediately attack Felix and Warden Caruthers, tearing them limb from limb. After order is restored and the prisoners are returned to their cells a special review board meets to try to understand what could have prompted the carnage. Once the board examines the security camera footage, particularly the conversation between Felix Beansquad and Warden Caruthers prior to the uprising, they find Beansquad and Caruthers both guilty of inciting a riot and crimes against humanity and posthumously sentence them to 100 consecutive life sentences each. Although this is highly unorthodox and in no way legally recognized, no one objects. All the inmates are then granted pardons.

Me vs the English Language

In the words of Jim Gaffigan, "Whenever you correct someone's grammar, just remember that nobody likes you". 

I wouldn't bring this up, accept that Jennifer in accounting is under the allusion that correcting people's grammar all the time has no affect on her popularity.  I could care less, for all intensive purposes, and I think half the time she just does it to illicit a response.  But, it is just the principal of the thing.

Their, I've said my piece. 

We'll see if another hour in the machine changes her attitude.

List of Things Not Louder Than the Screeching Banshee-Wail of My Two-Year-Old Daughter

• Elephants stuffed with C-4 exploding in the middle of an acoustically-tuned amphitheater.
• Schnauzers with megaphones duct-taped to their mouths. Also the schnauzers are very put out.
• Any type of heavy artillery fire.
• The TV when you turn in on late at night and realize that the volume level was last adjusted while trying to hear the dialogue on 30 Rock when your 2-year-old daughter was screaming.
• The blaring of a Monday morning alarm after your daughter spent the better part of the night crying for no apparent reason.
• A sonic boom.
• Nuclear fission.
• Nuclear fusion.
• Whatever sound the universe will make once it finally implodes in the fires of the Apocalypse.