We’re also excited to welcome our newest sponsor, Tap Out! Try the new Tap-Out! Line of staplers- the stapler you smash with your thick skull, you troglodyte! And of course Swingline’s new Ed Hardy edition of staplers- you could beat your girlfriend with them if you had a girlfriend, you disgusting ape!
But you’re probably saying to yourself, “Now listen here, Badgerhole, I came here for the latest in stapler and three-hole punch innovation and technology, so give it to me!” Don’t you worry friend, there’s big news on the stapler front. Everyone knows that Swingline is the King of staplers, but recent upstart Skaaplor, Sweden’s stapling darlings, are giving them a run for their money with their new staplers. These beauties hold up to seven more staples in the magazine and now come with an ergonomic grip!
But Bostich says, “Hey don’t forget about Bostich or I swear to God we will make you pay the price” with their latest stapler- model 3447! Now in Kelly green!
But you’re probably asking, “Hey Hoffmore, tell me about three-hole punches or I will burn you to the GROUND!” Ha! Get ready for this then: The customers have spoken and the industry has answered. “We don’t really care about three-hole punches, they seem fine I guess” they demanded. So the brilliant labcoats in three-hole punch R&D came up with a bold strategy and made sure everything stayed exactly the same. That’s right- no changes at all. Exciting!
Well that's all for this year's expo folks. Until next time, the Hoff-hole is signing off.
Alternate ending from the Director's cut:
ReplyDeleteWell that’s it from adequate Calfstump, NV. As we say goodbye to another exciting expo I find myself staring into to gray mist beyond this world and I feel the ancient chasm open again. The beast will be given reign over this earth and the souls of the damned fed to the dragon. So, until next time, this is Hoffmore Badgerhole signing off.
I totally see the dilemma in having to choose one or the other. Glad you're decisive. If it was me, I may never have been able get myself to push that Publish button.
ReplyDeleteNice work all around.
Now who's high, Badgerhole? That name sets the bar though and gives all of us something to shoot for. We are all going to have to up our game and just go for it. I know I'm going to relax and just go out there and have fun with it.
ReplyDeleteI'm just gonna have fun with it.
DeleteHey, wait a minute. There is no such thing as a Skaaplor stapler. You made that up. He made that up, everybody!
ReplyDeleteSir, you're making a scene.
DeleteNow I'm starting to wonder if Hoffmore is even a real person.
ReplyDelete