Cat Tails!

Editor's note.  I'm kind of picturing the narrator's voice sounding like a Brooklyn accent from every cop movie you've ever seen (I don't know...Joe Pesci, I guess.  Don't get hung up on it, it's not that important) and the man in the story's voice having a proper English accent, but definitely not cockney.  Just make that happen in your head as you read it.  Trust me, it is at least a little funnier that way.  

(Well then read it how ever you want.  I don't care.) Also, I didn't put each character's name in front of their lines when it is their turn to speak.

(Because there are only two characters and one is a narrator, that's why not. Come on, man.  You're making this way harder than it needs to be.  You can do this.)  We're starting.
 


Hey, hey... 'morning fellas.  Sorry I'm late.  Traffic was a friggin' NIGHTMARE this morning.  Night friggin' mare.  I'm tellin' ya there are too many people in this city now.  We could do with about half.  About half.  Know what I mean?  And, it's just gettin' worse.  Everyday its gettin' worse.  Ok, what am I narrating today?  Let's see what we got here.  

Huh?  Na, I don't need to read through it, lets just take it from the top and I'll improvise as we go.  Let's see, what's our title here?  

"Cat-Day Afternoon"  Hmm.  That sounds awful.  One man show, huh? Ok, ok, maybe it's like a take off on the old Pacino movie, what was that called? Huh?  I dunno, I hate friggin' cats, right?  Oh, you and me both, pal.  You and me, both.  Alright, let's see if this dog can hunt.  Let's get started here.

Our story begins in an office.  
Great.  Real original.  Maybe the writing gets better as we go along, right? We can only hope.

Thank you for coming in, Ms. Purrdy.  Just have a seat here and we'll get started.  Oh, thank you.  My wife bought it for me. 

Ugh...I don't know about you, but I hate this guy already, huh.  Am I right?  Ok, ok.  Maybe it picks up.

Your application seems to be in order.  I have your resume here.  Ah.  Now then, I see under references you listed a Kitty Purry, a Clawdia Schiffer, an Eartha Kitten, and finally a Catalie Cole.

Uh-oh.  Red flag.

Ms. Purrdy, I don't know how to put this delicately, so I'm just going to come right out and ask.  Are you, by any chance, a cat lover?

Nice work there, Captain Obvious.  Did the cat hair covered pantsuit tip you off.  Hey...hey, did you hear what I called him?  I called him "Captain Obvious".  I know right?  And, how 'bout this chick.  Too busy to run a lint-roller over those comfort slacks before the big job interview this morning, sweetheart?

Twenty-nine?!!

Twenty-nine!  Yikes!  Am I right fellas?

Twenty-nine cats...sharing the same house with you, under the same roof, eating I can only assume, the same food?

Ha!  I'd say this interview is just about over, right?  Time to tell this broad to kick rocks, buddy.  Heh.  Go sell crazy somewhere else, 'cuz we're full up here.  Gnome sayin'.

Well, Ms. Purrdy, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I feel I must be completely honest with you.

That's it.  Let her have it, pal.  You gotta be firm with these crazy types.  Don't sugarcoat it.

I think that is...well...I think that is just fantastic.

There you go, buddy.  Wait, what?

Simply fantastic.  I find the whole arrangement just adorable.

Cheese and crackers!  Are you off your rocker, too?  This dame is nutty as a friggin' ...I dunno, something with nuts!  You got me off my game here, Chief.

Now, I know this may be a bit of a long shot, but these feline roommates of  yours wouldn't, by any chance ALL have celebrity-pun nicknames would they?

Long shot?!!  I'd call that an uncontested lay-up, pal.  Drinks are on me if she ain't got a cutesy, Hollywood handle for every last one of those friggin' hair-balls.  And, speakin' o' balls...

Fantastic! I look forward to hearing all about each one after the interview.  And, don't you dare leave any of them out.  Don't even try.  I'll be taking notes.  Ah, that's fantastic.

I don't think you know what "fantastic" means there, Ace.

Now, fingers crossed on this one, but any chance you brought pictures with you?

Any chance?  Try every chance!  I mean come on.
Don't you see what's goin' on here, man?  This chick has "serial killer" written all over her, and I'm startin' to hope you are her next special little project.

Outstanding, Ms. Purrdy! Outstanding indeed.  An entire photo album hidden right there in your comicly oversized purse?  Well, that is just one of the most pleasant surprises to which I've ever been privy.

Harry S. Truman, who writes this crap?

What's that.  Oh, yes, yes, of course you've got the job, and quite honestly, I don't know how we've gotten along all this time without you.  By the way, when can you start?

Don't say "meow".  
Don't say "meow".  
Don't say "meow".
 
DAMMIT!!!

AAAAAAHHHHH, HAHAHAHA!  Did you just say, "How about right meow"?  You did, didn't you?  You did, I knew it.  At first I thought you said "How about right now?", but then I realized...
Oh, I'm going to have to keep my eye on you.

Don't say "purfect"...I'll punch you in the neck.  Don't you dare say "purfect".


Well, I guess all I have to say in response, is that would be just...purrrrrrrrfect. 

Son of a...

AAAAAAHHHHH, HAHAHAHAHA!  I know...I know, I did it, too.  Oh, we'd better...we'd better stop now.  Or else you'll make me PUMA pants!  Did you hear what I did there?!  Did you hear what I did? 
Oh, how will the two of us ever get ANY work done?  I think this train of thought just jumped the tracks!

@#%*!



Editor's note.  Sorry, I guess those voices didn't help much after all did they?  Oh well.  You just try your best, you know?  Live and learn...see what works.  What are ya gunna do?  Yep.
Awright den.