Evening News

Tom--Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to News 9 Austin.  My name is Tom Maidenform and this is tonight's top story.
An Austin man is said to be in good spirits and "on the mend" after breaking into the city zoo overnight and waking one of the North American Black Bears with an open-handed strike to the browline. For more on this story as it develops, we take you now to the newest member of our news team, Vince Nutslap.

Vince--Thank you, Tom.  Happy to be a part of the team.  That's actually a hard "u" in my last name.

Tom--Sorry, Vance.

Vince--Actually, it's "Vince", and I would  think a man with the last name, "Maidenform" might be a little more sensitive toward someone else's handle.

Tom--Easy, Newbie. You might not understand what could be happening to you very soon if I leave my seat here in the studio.

Vince--I'm sorry, are you talking about taking a wild swing at me with your purse, Tom?

Tom--Heh, heh. You know it's been ages since I punched a man in the brains, Nutslap, but I hear you never forget how.

Vince--Oh, really?  You try me, Tom.  I'll make you famous, old man!

Tom--I WILL DEVOUR YOU LIKE A FREE CHRISTMAS HAM!

Vince(calmly)--Tom, I want you to settle down and listen very carefully to my words.  Right now two friends of mine are breaking into your house as we speak, with the full intention of finding and leaving with all of your most sentimental childhood album photos and cherished sports memorabilia.

At this point Tom is wrestled to the ground and dragged off the set by his producer, Linda Algonquin Van Pinkett-Smith, and meteorologist, Justin Banderas-Estrada. The cameraman, Litoris  Wolfgrappler, is instructed to keep rolling as it is, in fact, sweeps week.

Tom(from the bottom of a News Team 9 dogpile, starting to get a little riled up at this point)--I HOPE YOU STEP ON A LEGO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NUTSLAP!  WHEN I FIND YOU, YOU WON'T BE FIT FOR A JOB ON ALL-ACCESS TELEVISION!  LET GO OF ME!  I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED!