Dr. Nathan Fard’s acceptance of the AABP’s Animal Psychologist of the Year award

Thank you. Thank you. No, please. This is too much. Thank you...Thank you. I'd like to say thank you to the Association of Animal Behavior Professionals for the honor of this award. This is truly humbling. I’d also like to thank my wife Stephanie for her unwavering support despite the many, many, uhhh... psychiatrists naysayers who have tried to convince her that her husband is a "delusional paranoid schizophrenic.” Lastly, to see so many of my former patients here tonight just confirms what I know in my heart – that I am making a difference. The cold glow of your glassy eyes tells me than words ever could. To quote the  bard---

Sir...Sir...Sir!! Please put that down and leave the store now.

Excuse me?! I'll have you know, this is a very prestigious award.

It’s a 2 pound gummy bear. Also, where did you get that? We don’t even sell those. 

It was awarded to me by a jury of my professional colleagues.

Sir, this is a Build-A-Bear Workshop. There are no---wait, why are you wearing a trench coat in June?

I was told this would be a black-tie affair.

You're not wearing a tie.

Not on my neck, i'm not...

Oh, you get the hell out!!

Pure Country

You're listening to "Hey, cat!  Get down out of that tree."  on K-LVIS Redneck Radio.  We'll return after this word from our sponsor.

Howdy, Friends!

Uncle Folksy here to tell you about our newest product addition here in the Folksy family, Uncle Folksy's Pure-Mash Ethyl Alcohol Soppin' Gravy and Household Disinfectant.  That's right our newest addition to the product line is down-home, old-fashioned, homey, folksy, pure and natural.  So stop off at the Five and Dime on your way home today and pick some up.  Or, better yet, give the Mrs. some foldin' money and send her on into town for a bottle of Uncle Folksy's Ethyl Soppin' Sauce...whatever I called it earlier.

Look, I really just bought this air time for a chance to talk to you, the listener, about some things that we as a country are facing today.   If you are like me and have an inherent distrust of foreigners, misgivings about women who vote, and aren't afraid to state the obvious; all Canadians smell funny, then I hope you'll help spread the word and support my ideals by shopping locally with genuine Uncle Folksy certified products.  Now with longer words on the labels so the lady of the house doesn't get any ideas about readin'.

Time to get back to the program, but pick up some of my soppin' alcohol today for all your soppin' needs!  Vote straight-party ticket and don't pick up hippies on the side of the road!

In the City

A 2014 Camaro exits off the highway and into the seedy part of the already-gritty city. It muscles its way down a side road and pulls up to the nondescript alley. Five men get out and walk to the rear entrance of the decrepit warehouse. The men are dressed like the street toughs that they are, plenty of black, plenty of leather, and plenty of attitude. Inside the Roaring Twenties-era building that was probably used as background for one those Scorsese movies, a group of Colombians (also street-tough) are waiting. There’s a table with a briefcase on it and that briefcase is probably filled with cocaine or something, maybe Molly, I don’t know, it’s not important. No, let’s say it’s cocaine.

The first group of street toughs walk to the table and the leader says, “Hello Rico, looks like you and your girlfriends brought the good stuff.” Rico says, “Listen, man my name is Frank and I’m American. My parents are from Honduras. Not all drug-dealers are from Colombia you know. Also, really with the gender-shaming thing?” The leader of the first group of toughs is named Daniel. Daniel replies, “That’s fair, I deserved that. Sorry about propagating stereotypes and sexism. Now, let’s get on with this.” Frank says, “You got the money?” Daniel replies, “Yeah we got the money. Let’s see about this cocaine.” Daniel pulls out a switchblade, real tough-like and cool. And he keeps eye-contact with Frank the whole time. Grabbing a brick of the sweet, sweet white stuff, he slices it open at the top, licks the pinky of his knife hand (the hand that he’s using to hold the knife from earlier- not like he has a knife in place of a hand that I neglected to mention, if that had been the case I would have lead with that) touches it to the powdered feel-good, and licks his pinky again. “Yeah, that’s real nice.” Frank says, “Hey, that’s gross man. Other people are going to be using that and now it has your germs all over it.” Daniel puts the brick down. “Frank, you’re right again. My bad. Now before we get down to business I just have one question: is this cocaine organic?” Frank looks confused. “Organic? Uh, how do you mean exactly?”

“Well, first of all, it means no pesticides. And it should be fair-trade- do you pay the laborers a substantive wage?”

“Oh, not as such, no.”

“Hmm, I don’t care for that. What about the pesticides?”

“Everyone uses pesticides for this-the yield would be too low without them. It just doesn’t make sense economically.”

“Are you kidding me Frankie? Do you know how harmful pesticides can be? Especially for the elderly and the very young. I’ve got families that buy this stuff man- I can’t sell them something that's practically been dowsed with poison.”

“I’m not going to sit here and be lectured by some ignorant liberal hippie!”

“That’s it!” Blam, blam, blam...…blam, blam….…blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam..............….blam.

As the sound of gunfire echoes to silence Daniel and his crew- except for one guy who, if you had seen him, you could tell from the beginning that he probably wasn’t going to make it through the whole story- dust themselves off and head back to their sweet ride.

Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice...

Superman-Ok, everyone listen-up.  Everyone.  Quiet down we are starting now!
Thank you.  Alright, first off, I'd like to thank you for coming.  I know it's early and some of you had a very long drive/flight/teleport.  As you know we are interviewing for one new male superhero and one new female super-heroine.
I must say, as I super-scan the auditorium, it sure seems like there are a lot more male applicants here than females, huh.  But, I'm sure most of you who are familiar with this genre are used to that sort of ratio.  Am I right?  Heh-heh.  Sorry, just a little superhero humor to start the day...low hanging fruit there...ok, lets begin.  First applicant.
Name?

Professor-Greetings, simpletons.  I am Professor Oblongata and I am here to accept the position of leader in your group of crime fighters.

Superman-Ok, well first of all, we already have a leader...

Batman-Damn straight, we do.

Superman-...as I was saying, we already have a leader and...
I'm sorry, Professor, is your superhero costume on backwards?

Professor-What? 
Well, Mother laid it out for me last night, but she had to go in to work early and wasn't able to help me with it this morning.  I really don't see what that has to do with...

Superman-Oh no, nothing.  It's nothing.
It just struck me as odd that a professor would have his costume on backwards...

Batman-Forget about that for a minute.  Are you saying you still live with your mother?

Professor-At least I still have a mother!

Superman-There it is.

Batman-Great Gotham?!  Did I just hear you say...

Professor-With those ears, I assume so.  Besides, she lives with me, not the other way around.  Sort of like the arrangement you and Robin have I suppose.

Batman-Oh, that's it.  Prepare to get bat-punched back to Arkham.  I am the night!

Superman-Ok, ok!  Deep breaths, everyone.  That escalated quickly even for a blog entry. 
Everyone just calm down.  Now, as I was saying, the position of leader is already taken.  However, we are interviewing for a second-tier superhero to stand in the background during group photo assemblies and help Aquaman clean the restrooms while the rest of us are out flying and fighting crime.  Does that sound like something that might interest you, Dr. Oblongata?

Professor-It's Professor Oblongata and yes, very much so.

Batman-And, I assume the good professor here was just about to tell us where he obtained his doctorate.  Surely an accredited institution, no doubt.

Professor-Oh, yes of course...ahem...I, uh...Phoenix.

Batman-Come again.

Professor-The online university...the University Online of Phoenix.  Phoenix online University...
The University of Phoenix-Online!

Superman-Next!

Batman-Ha!  That's right, kick rocks, loser. 
Here, Superman, hold my Red Bull while I do some bat-push-ups.

Professor-I thank you for your time.

The Regular

Did you just ask me if I play?

My young friend, I've been coming to this particular Leon's Bowl-A-Rama: Arcade and Mini-Golf  for the better part of twenty years now and it ain't for the best hamburger in town, as voted on by the chamber of commerce six years running.

My best guess is I've probably played over 5000 games in that time period and to my memory, never lost a one.  I'll let that sink in. 
That means over 5000 men have stepped up and I've sat 'em all right back down. Actually, I guess it's been more or less ten or twelve of the locals that I've played multiple times over the years...some of the high schoolers stop by after P.E., and then I play against myself quite a bit, also.
Anyway, point being, I'm never more alive than when I'm eyeballing the blocking gate from between the bumpers, pinning that ball between my flipper and the bottom of the inlane and just holding it captive while I plan my next move and send it flying toward the backbox. What a rush! That's what brings me back here day after day.  That's what makes sense in this crazy, mixed-up, upside down world we live in these days. That's my reality and what I hold most dear on this whole earth.
So when you ask me if I want to play a game, I'll give you the same answer I give anyonethat fate brings across my path...I have no choice.

Oh, wait.  You meant darts?

Sorry, I thought you were pointing at the pinball machine.  Boy, that must have seemed like a long monologue from your point of view, huh.  Nope, sorry.  Don't play darts, but thanks anyway. Took a dart to the eye once.

This Vodka Cranberry is kickin' my butt tonight.

No time for games.

I don't have time for games.

I'm not "S"-ing around here.

When I pull up in front of a nice restaurant or all-you-care-to-eat buffet and toss you the keys to my Chevy Spark, don't even think about a joy-ride, Ferris.  Just park it in the valet section and bring it back exactly like you found it.  You know I check that mileage, Son.

I don't have time for games.

When I trade my Motorola Razr flip phone in for the new model in the alternate color, don't try to up-sell me to a larger data plan or add on a home security system, Amigo.  I'm grandfathered into the "Who's in Your Five" plan and I bought second-hand ADT home-security stickers online for all my windows and doors.  Maybe you'll get lucky with the next "sucker".

I'm not "S"-ing around here.

When I visit your department store/outlet clearance center to see the latest line up of Rockports, don't try adding on a matching belt with me.  The one I'm wearing is actually reversible, bonded leather, and high sheen on both sides, so it can handle anything you throw at it.  Brown or black...oxfords, wing-tips, monk straps...I'm talkin' weekend or weekday, Broheim.  Boardroom to break-room.  Deposition or subpoena. You need a fill-in for a police line-up?  I'm your Huckleberry.  So save your little spiel for the next pigeon, Slick.

I don't have time for games.

When I spring for the 15-point oil and lube, don't try to lay that synthetic oil sob story on me.  You can better believe that stuff dries up your seals and cracks your gasket.  You'd love what your little diagnostic machine has to recommend after that!  I was born at night, but not last night, Kemosabe.

I'm not "S"-ing around here and I'm not even tryin' to hear anymore of your noise.  Now, you can just go run along and check your latest "Yelp" review, Home Biscuit.

When I order your 2 large, 2 toppings deal, don't think you are adding a side of ranch on my dime.  I make enough of my own at home every Sunday to carry me all the way through the work week.  More taste than yours, pennies on the dollar.  Oh, and those jalapenos you'd love to get commission on...yeah, it's called Sam's Club, in bulk, Friend-o.  I'll still be fully stocked with unopened cans when your whole little strip center is boarded-up and long-since abandoned.

What I do NOT abide are games, and you best believe I'm not "S"-ing around here.
I'm gunna guarantee you that much.

A List of Things that I am Really, REALLY Excited About…

Facebook invitations to play Candy Crush.  Yes.  Yessssss!  I was just thinking the other day that I needed a 347^th invitation to play the greatest game ever invented by a human.

Anything Real Housewives related.  Seriously when is Real Housewives Abilene coming?  There is no finer entertainment in life than watching botox and silicone enhanced reptiles fight over whether or not Bethany’s bolt-ons look like they came out of a Panini press. 

Colonoscopies.  The idea that I might spend a significant portion of my golden years taking drugs and being violated by both man AND machine really gets my heart racing.

½ priced sushi.  Seriously?  50% off sushi?  In Knoxville?  And you’re a Thai restaurant?  And you’re located next to a Dollar Store?  Obviously you must be a practical joker.  Have I died?  Is this heaven? 

That smell at the mall food court.  You know the one.  I’m talking about the particular aroma created by the confluence of air currents and desperation that is the Chinese place, the Philly Cheese steak griddle, and the popcorn kiosk.

Public outings with work colleagues. 

That guy that plays the saxophone in Market Square.  He only knows one song.  But damn if he doesn’t play it ALL day.  And it totally sounds like the backing track to a scene of Matlock getting up to some serious shenanigans.  Really the perfect way to spend a brunch outside. 

Anything described as “artisanal”.  I will seriously just start throwing $100 bills at you if you label your product artisanal.  If it also happens to be gluten free, free range, vegan, recycled, high gravity, organic, local, fair trade, craft, or handmade...Watch.  The f#@& .  Out.

Consumer Fraud Alert

Good afternoon, Mr. Shitlips...Litsh...Good afternoon, Mr. Lipshitz.  My name is Tom Nelson with First National Bank of Omaha's Consumer Fraud Division.  We are the issuing bank of your Visa credit...
No, I said consumer fraud...

fraud...

fraud...d...d...d

with a "d", as in "fraudulent"...

there's no such word as "frogulent"...

No, problem.
We have detected an erratic purchase pattern in your most recent statement and wanted to confirm your card's security has not been compromised and that you did, in fact, authorize the following purchases:

*April 24th-I'm showing a charge for $1740.93 at the True Religion Jeans Company Online store.
Ok.

*April 29th- $1207.89 at the Ed Hardy for Her Online Boutique
Ok, fine.  Oh, unrelated, but is there really a "her" in your life Mr. Lipshitz?
Ah, yes.  The power of positive thinking.

*May 5th-$3448.99 Paco Rabanne Online High-End Eau De Smellery Outlet
Went a little crazy for Cinco, didn't you Mr. L?

Well, I guess the main reason I'm calling is that our records show you were born in 1970, and I don't have my calculator on me, but that should put you somewhere in the neighborhood of "a little old for acting like a jack-ass". 

Ok, yes, maybe that was a little blunt.  I'm sorry if I sounded a bit out of line, but I'm coming from a place of concern, not a place of judgement.  Let's not call this a confrontation, let's think of it more as a care-frontation.  Doesn't that sound a lot less threatening?  After all, I'm not asking you change the habits that years and years of "d-baggery" have built-up in your life, but simply to shed some light on the pathway back to being a contributing member of society and heck, maybe even becoming the kind of person that other people can tolerate and perhaps look forward to being around.  Baby-steps, Mr. L.  Baby-steps.

Oh, I don't know right off hand...but, how 'bout this.  You're probably wearing some sort of baseball cap are you not?  Ok, well if it is sitting in the "ace-duece" position or even if it is completely backwards from the way the manufacturer intended it to be worn, why not just reach up there and give it a spin until the front faces the same direction you are facing?  Good.  Now, let me have you reach up there again and give that bill just a little crease in center and round those sides out, just a tad.  Not too much, no need to make it look like you work at JiffyLube, but take a little starch out of the ol' "New Era" there.  Feels good, no?

Ok, ok.  I think that is enough for today.  Don't want to overdo it, but I do have one last question.  I assume you are hitting the clubs tonight and seeing as I have your address here in my file, what say I drive it on down from O-town and we rip up the set together?  You can be my wing-man, Iceman.  I can just sleep on your floor.  Oh, it's no problem, I don't have to be back at work for quite a while.  I actually got fired from First National last week and now my days are filled with time and client lists.

Mr. Waggleshorts

Howdy neighbor! I mean new neighbor, I'm Jeff!

Uh, two hundred fifty thousand. Seems like an odd question seeing as how we haven't even unloaded the U-Haul, and I don't yet know your name.

Nice to meet you there Gil. So, how do you like living in the...

Oh, you're right, sorry about the grass. I'll get it cut this weekend, if I can make it down to Sears to get a mower. I know the Pattersons moved out three weeks ago, so nobody's been around to...Whoa! Did you just take a divot out of my lawn? Wait, my yard is full of divots, have you been doing that?

Golf pro. That's fantastic. Well, would you mind practicing your pro swing over on your side?

Right, you like the way my bermuda feels. I get it, it does feel nice.

And Patterson didn't mind.

Yes, Patterson also knew when to keep his trap shut. Well, I suppose I could look past a couple of holes in the grass. We're raising kids, not grass, after all!

Oh, two boys, 12 and 14.

Right, sorry you feel that way about kids. I promise, these kids are not snot-rags as you say. In fact, I think you're gonna like these two. Very well behaved. I'd like to take credit, but we know Mom's the one who's put in the...

Wow, no, I agree. Those Henderson pricks shouldn't have been playing broomball in your driveway last winter. I see the damage they did to your Lexus.

Holy cow! You broke their dog's tail?! That seems a bit over the top, doesn't it Gil?

Yeah, I suppose there is a price to pay for crossing Mr. Waggleshorts. Sorry it had to be the Basset Hound to foot the bill. I'll warn the boys to stay off your property. Good news is it looks like you should be able to buff those scratches out of your Lexus pretty easily... ICI-BUY, interesting.

No, I get it. That's a clever license plate.

Oh, you're a very rich man.

Indeed, very rich and very clever. Tell me, is there a lucky lady who has the good fortune of being the wife of such a rich, clever man?

Wow, yes sir. I do know what's best for me and I will back up out of your business. I can't imagine why three different women decided to leave you, but I'm sure they all regret it.

No sir, not being funny... Hey, if you don't mind, I could use a hand moving this couch down off the...

Right, I thought it might be time for you to get back to your practice swing.

Yikes, turned over a lot of turf on that one.

In the Interest of Transparency

Interoffice Memo

To: Rita (Sorry, I don't know your last name.  I know there are two Ritas on this floor, but this is mostly to the bigger one.)

From: Dan

CC: the smaller Rita

Subject: Completion of Company Mandated Week-Long SensitivityTraining

Rita-
I wanted to let you know there are no hard feelings stemming from last week's incident in the copy room.  As of this afternoon, I have completed the mandatory therapy sessions and signed off on my second action notice and disciplinary review.  Dr. Shelby felt that the most expedient course of action to ensure a smooth re-intoduction into the workplace and in the process facilitate the avoidance of further incident with coworkers and copy machinery, would be increasing the frequency of communication with my immediate team members and supervisors.  I am told that anything that sheds light on what I expect from my coworkers and what my coworkers can expect of me will prove invaluable during my time with the company.  To that end,  I would like to bring the following topics to light:

*If you only want half a doughnut from the break room, just take the whole thing and throw the other half away.  No one else wants the mangled half you leave behind along with your fat thumbprint in the icing.  We all know you are just going to come back through later for another pass anyway and I don't think two halves have any fewer calories than one whole.

*Please make a conscious effort to reduce the number of times you use the words "think" "outside" and "box" during the workday.

*I'm no math scientist, but I am 100% sure the probability of being able to give 110% on every project we undertake is, in fact, mathematically negative.

*I share your enthusiasm for neither Hall nor Oats.  Please turn down your ring tone.

*Is it really that wrong to say a certain coworker would be pretty if her body had another coworkers face on it.  I think both parties could take that as a compliment.

*And just exactly what part of the term "women's work" do you find so offensive anyway.  Do I have to say "ladies' work" every time something like emptying the shredder or collating comes up?

 *As I have explained before, I have an increasingly long commute and when I get home from work, my furry roommates, Cat Benetar and Fleas Witherspoon, demand most of my remaining attention.  So, for reasons of time management and practicality, yes, it is absolutely necessary for me to clip my toenails at my desk.

*By the way, what is it that makes you think I have a cat.  I've already told you I'm allergic.  Ok.  I have two roommates to help make ends meet, but none of us even own a cat, so I really don't have any idea how the cat hair gets all over my only suit. Also, my last name isn't "Rockefeller" so yes, it is polyester, but if anything, I would think wool would attract even more cat hair.

*When I am leaving the parking garage at the completion of our workday and you are traversing the crosswalk en route to your Toyota Yaris, I understand it may be too much to ask for you to increase your rate of speed, but I am absolutely certain that on several occasions I have witnessed you actually decreasing your speed upon seeing my approach.  One of these days you may find yourself with an interesting story to tell your friends about the role my Hyundai Accent played in your hip replacement surgery.

 *Going forward, no, I don't have a case of the Mondays; yes, it is, in fact, hot enough for me; and no, we are not having fun yet.  Also, all my weekends are always fine.  Thank you for continually asking, I guess.

*I don't think you should be allowed to forward any more YouTube links until you reply to all the work related emails in your inbox.

*Just open your bag of chips quickly and all at once instead of "trying" to do it quietly for fifteen minutes. Why are you eating at your desk anyway? There are doughnuts in the break room.  Also, I feel your diet may contribute to your being the source of a strong smell that your eau de parfum does not quite overcome. Please do not take this as a suggestion to wear more perfume or you will really be missing where I am going with this.

*I'm not a doctor, but I would say, "Yes".  You should probably go get that checked out.

What I am prepared to do for $200

1. take the entire office staff out for lunch at Taco Bell for one week (probably need to limit it to the value menu to make it through Friday, and nothing with "volcano" in the name, we still have to get stuff done after lunch)

2. resign from this blog and sign a no-compete clause for any competitors' blogs for a period of six months

3. Dawson's Creek box set, start to finish, including dvd extras (come on over in your PJs and "fold in" if you want some of that action)

D. have thirty pages on your desk by tomorrow morning

E. go out for drinks and then back to your place, but no kink

6. upgrade from Crown Reserve to Crown XO on my next trip to the liquor store (That stuff is guuu,uuud.)

VII. let you finish the rest of my lunch, excluding Klondike bar

8. **this entry deleted by board moderator**

9. touch, but not handle or pick up a piece of white dog poop

10. paint most of your car

11. You and me, Nickelback with backstage pass, all-access.  You in?  Hey, c'mon, man.