In the Interest of Transparency

Interoffice Memo

To: Rita (Sorry, I don't know your last name.  I know there are two Ritas on this floor, but this is mostly to the bigger one.)

From: Dan

CC: the smaller Rita

Subject: Completion of Company Mandated Week-Long SensitivityTraining

Rita-
I wanted to let you know there are no hard feelings stemming from last week's incident in the copy room.  As of this afternoon, I have completed the mandatory therapy sessions and signed off on my second action notice and disciplinary review.  Dr. Shelby felt that the most expedient course of action to ensure a smooth re-intoduction into the workplace and in the process facilitate the avoidance of further incident with coworkers and copy machinery, would be increasing the frequency of communication with my immediate team members and supervisors.  I am told that anything that sheds light on what I expect from my coworkers and what my coworkers can expect of me will prove invaluable during my time with the company.  To that end,  I would like to bring the following topics to light:

*If you only want half a doughnut from the break room, just take the whole thing and throw the other half away.  No one else wants the mangled half you leave behind along with your fat thumbprint in the icing.  We all know you are just going to come back through later for another pass anyway and I don't think two halves have any fewer calories than one whole.

*Please make a conscious effort to reduce the number of times you use the words "think" "outside" and "box" during the workday.

*I'm no math scientist, but I am 100% sure the probability of being able to give 110% on every project we undertake is, in fact, mathematically negative.

*I share your enthusiasm for neither Hall nor Oats.  Please turn down your ring tone.

*Is it really that wrong to say a certain coworker would be pretty if her body had another coworkers face on it.  I think both parties could take that as a compliment.

*And just exactly what part of the term "women's work" do you find so offensive anyway.  Do I have to say "ladies' work" every time something like emptying the shredder or collating comes up?

 *As I have explained before, I have an increasingly long commute and when I get home from work, my furry roommates, Cat Benetar and Fleas Witherspoon, demand most of my remaining attention.  So, for reasons of time management and practicality, yes, it is absolutely necessary for me to clip my toenails at my desk.

*By the way, what is it that makes you think I have a cat.  I've already told you I'm allergic.  Ok.  I have two roommates to help make ends meet, but none of us even own a cat, so I really don't have any idea how the cat hair gets all over my only suit. Also, my last name isn't "Rockefeller" so yes, it is polyester, but if anything, I would think wool would attract even more cat hair.

*When I am leaving the parking garage at the completion of our workday and you are traversing the crosswalk en route to your Toyota Yaris, I understand it may be too much to ask for you to increase your rate of speed, but I am absolutely certain that on several occasions I have witnessed you actually decreasing your speed upon seeing my approach.  One of these days you may find yourself with an interesting story to tell your friends about the role my Hyundai Accent played in your hip replacement surgery.

 *Going forward, no, I don't have a case of the Mondays; yes, it is, in fact, hot enough for me; and no, we are not having fun yet.  Also, all my weekends are always fine.  Thank you for continually asking, I guess.

*I don't think you should be allowed to forward any more YouTube links until you reply to all the work related emails in your inbox.

*Just open your bag of chips quickly and all at once instead of "trying" to do it quietly for fifteen minutes. Why are you eating at your desk anyway? There are doughnuts in the break room.  Also, I feel your diet may contribute to your being the source of a strong smell that your eau de parfum does not quite overcome. Please do not take this as a suggestion to wear more perfume or you will really be missing where I am going with this.

*I'm not a doctor, but I would say, "Yes".  You should probably go get that checked out.